God save me?

I really wish I can bring myself to hate you. You make me sad, you confuse me and you hurt me where it hurts the most. Honestly, I really dont give a shit what people think of me. I thought you would have known me better but obviously you dont. And that's sad. What's even sadder is when you act all chummy chummy though you still hold something against me. Its times like this when I stop and rethink the decision I made then. But then again, I dont regret what I did a year ago, it was for the better. You're happy and so am I.Isn't it about time we give things a rest?
But still, inspite of all the things that you have said and done, you'll always have a special place in my heart.

Yesterday marked the end of my structured school life. No more uniforms. No more recess. No more assemblies. Two years of my life gone just like that. I never thought I would say this but im gonna miss Nanyang. Badly. I'll miss the lovely people who have made school bearable. Sharini, Thanks for the amazing comapany you provide during econs consultations and your honest take on things. Ranitha, Thanks for the emotional support you have given me my entire life. I seriously would not have been able to survive through many things without you. Kuga, Thanks for being the older sister I never had and showing me to carry out what I believe in. Candice, Thanks for showing me how to live life. Xingjie, Thanks for the advice and your unconventional take on things. Zu, Thanks for showing me what perseverance is about and being the selfless person that you are. Dorisa, Thanks for showing me how to take pride in being different. Shufang, Thanks for allowing me to see certain things through another perspective. Hayati, Thanks for showing me what strength is really like and being the sweetie that you are. Yingxian, Thanks for the fun you have provided me with. I'll really miss you guys.

I marvel at how I can remain extremely positive even when things look bleak. Im proud of myself.

Something is missing from my life. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I hadnt said certain things that I did. I feel like eating chocolate cake. I want to strangle my sister right this very instance. I dont wanna get back to studying tomorrow.
So much for random thoughts.

Weird stuff I came across recently

Lingerie should always be red, because it incites the appetite. Its scientifically proven. (Who cares. Im not wearing any red lingerie. They remind me of the old tarts)

Parachuting kittens off a bridge is someone's idea of fun. ( What's the number for the SPCA
again. I hate people who play with animals- in the sadistic sense of course)

Being middle- class is beautiful. ( More money would be beautiful)

An old superstition- if you sewed on a Sunday when you were pregnant, your child was sure to be an idiot. ( That explains alot of things with me)

"She's really honest. You should see her strip"(stripping= being honest. Wow. That's new)

Walk through a fence and you'll miscarry ( And get your clothes torn. Not in a million years)

"Get pretty nails to scratch your boyfriend's back"(No way am I letting that manicure go to waste)

Love is weakness. ( I dont think it is. Right? It makes you feel vulnerable but its definitely not a weakness. It takes courage to love someone)

Why do I get the feeling that you want something from me? Really its darn obvious- the sudden affection. And WHY and WHERE do people get the impression that im damn havoc. Im not. Not even close. I get really amused when people think im some wild, party animal. I dont even go clubbing let alone every other night!

While looking for my maths notes, I happened to chance upon the cd Muru burnt for me. Listening to it brought a smile to my face. I miss him.
Prelims start tomorrow. I had better start praying. I studied but somehow I cant help but feel that its not enough. And im not done studying for lit or econs.

I think im going crazy. I nearly put two of my contact lens into the same eye. I nearly threw my phone instead of the sandwich wrapper into the rubbish bin. And I just nearly strangled my sister for irritating the shit out of me.
I have been swearing too much. I cant help it. Every small, seemingly insignificant thing gets to me.

Im ugly, dumb AND fat. I think im having self esteem issues or so my mother claims. Sigh.
My dad has to go for another operation. Which means he can forget about returning to his previous job. No more impulsive shopping for me or my sisters. Actually come to think of it, I haven gone shopping in a long time and I doubt I would want to. With my dad out of job, I don't think shopping's even on my mind.

I hate talking about the future when things are uncertain. Sure talks of marriage, having children, my future husband are interesting. And I dont deny that I enjoy talking about such stuff. But the thing is how many of these expectations are actually going to materialize. I used to take such talks seriously. I dreamt of the day when I would get married. I built up great hopes and expectations only to have my idealistic dreams shattered. After that I had trouble treading on hard, solid ground. Those dreams were so deeply embedded in me. Part of me still dreams of such things but im glad now there's a rational side to me. I dont want to end up disappointed again.

Went back to Bendemeer. Against my wishes. I swear I was all set to run back home upon reaching the school gate. I dont know why but as much as I enjoyed myself at Bendemeer, I just hate returning back. It was one chapter of my life. And now its over. But with that said, I cannot deny I did have fun. Met many of my classmates and yes I finally got to see Rabeeah. After goodness how long. Wished Siti could have made it but I guess im never going to be able to see her in this lifetime. Ha!
Strangely as much as I hate setting foot in Bendemeer, I feel more at home there than in Ny. The only reason why im able to tolerate Ny is because I have lovely classmates. I learnt alot in Bendemeer, beyond the textbooks- experiences and memories which will probably stay with me for life. I made a hell lot of mistakes there. Up to today, I marvel at my stupidity but atleast I learnt how to be wary of who I trust. At Bendemeer you see people from all walks of life. You hear stories you thought that only existed in storybooks. I naively thought that the horrors that occur in orphanages only existed in Oliver Twist til I met a certain friend of mine.
Up today, I still cannot give a concrete explaination why I went to Bendemeer instead of St' Margaret's but im glad i did. Im not ashamed I went to a neighbourhood school, for the experience and the memories I attained there are priceless.
And Rabeeah, better keep yourself free after my A's, we are so going out.

Yea. You are right. I dont know what's going on in your life so who was I to comment. Come to think of it, I dont know what's going on in anybody's life anymore. Not even Edlin's and to think I practically knew what the girl did for the last six years or so. Now, my life just revolves around school, my friends in school, my family and my boyfriend. Its pathetic.
Monday's my dad's eye appointment. The appointment that determines whether he has to go for another operation or not. Im keeping my fingers crossed. As much as I love my dad, I cannot take him being home for the next six months. Its depressing to watch him stare into space for hours.
Above everything else, I value sincerity the most. Im thankful that I met you. I never had to question the credibility of anything you said. They were simply put yet they meant a lot. Let's just say you set the benchmark for a lot of stuff.
I hate being sick. I think about lots of stuff. I cant help it, there's nothing else to do! And when I do try to organize my thoughts, they come out jumbled up like this.

Scandals, debates and econs.

Just yesterday when I should have been studying econs, I was thinking about how scary it is to meet the guy of your dreams after you get married. Not that I think that such a guy exists, I have long given up on finding the ideal guy.
I think such a situation is one of the worst kinds that you can ever find yourself in. Do you forsake for your family for the man of your dreams just because you feel he's the one and you share some kind of connection? What do you tell your husband? That you have met THE ONE?! Oh and if you have chidren, what happens to them? You cant possibly tell them that you are leaving your family for your 'happiness'. Which brings me to wonder what makes you so sure that you are going to be happy with the supposed man of your dreams knowing that you just left your family? Oh and the GUILT? Dont get me started on that.
Ah.. I just love internal debates. Extremely thought stimulating. Listing the consequences of inflation was a piece of cake after that.

Somebody kindly explain to me why I even bother. I dont need this unnecessary stress.
I feel like camping over somewhere. Im debating between the beach and some remote jungle- thing is I have yet to find a remote jungle.

Im cranky. I need sleep and cheesecake. NOW!

I cant help comparing. I know i shouldnt, its unfair but I honestly cant help it.
And today I had those same doubts and misgivings again. Im starting to worry. Things are definitely not looking good.

It all started with chocolate-chip mint ice-cream and now I have a craving for a million things. Donuts, Secret Recipe Cheese cakes, Eclairs, Durian cakes, Strawberry pastries, Apple pies and a whole lot of things that I cant remember now. It was too long a list. Damn my sister man. She just had to mention the chocolate-chip mint ice-cream. A trigger to my long under wrapped cravings. I need the cheesecake now. DESPERATELY.

Im afraid. Im afraid to let things take their natural course. Im afraid to hold on yet at the same time im afraid to let go.

I don't remember, I really don't. You prompt me, desperate for me to show some hint of remembrance. But there's none. I shut everything out of my memory bank a long time ago honey.

The morning was bad. Got all dressed and ready for school and then i realised that I suddenly could not breathe. And what's worst was that I could not find my damn medication. Been ages since I last saw the need to take it. sigh. The rest of day was not been any better. My eyes are puffy, my throat sore and im easily left breathless. Contemplating whether I should see the doctor.
Yesterday, I was in an impulsive mood. Thank the heavens that mood has past. Geesh. What was I thinkin? Here's what I contemplated doing,
1. Pierce my tongue. I dunno why but I thought it would be pretty cool to play with something in my mouth! God!
2. Get a tattoo. Somwhere near my hip bone. I have a weird fetish for tatoos. The only thing that's stopping me from getting one is the pain. Oh and my mother.
3. Run away to Paris and work in one of the high end boutiques. Clothes everywhere. HEAVEN!Now, I just wanna run away and be an actress. Hollywood here i come!
4. Cut my hair REAL short. But now that I think about it no. I love my hair to much. And I sure dont want my grandma questioning whether I had a sex change.