All over again

And so 2007 is about to come to an end. I must say the year passed by pretty fast. Yet 2007 has been one of my more eventful years.
I discovered aspects of myself that I never knew about.
I started school.
I realised how much I love children.
I worked for the first time in my life.
I learnt about relationships- how they work, how I wanted them to work and how they actually work.
I faced my deepest fears head-on.
Star gazing by the beach was an amazing experience.
I learnt to accept things as they were.
I cried lots.
I learnt to be grateful.
I lied. And I'm not exactly proud of that.
I learnt to let things go.
Sunshine is now hot-dog.
I learnt to forgive.
I opened up to someone I hardly knew. That still surprises me.
I learnt to believe in myself.
Spirit week was embarassing yet memorable. I love my red soccer socks. Now all I need is another chance to wear it!
I changed my mind a gazillion times.
I considered getting a piercing and a tattoo.
Meowy became an unofficial part of our family.
I made tons of new friends.
I did something I usually would have never considered doing.

Well I guess that pretty much sums up 2007. It has been a year of bittersweet moments. Yes a year of my bittersweet moments. I can't wait for 2008! An entire new year. 365 more days of bittersweet experiences. I don't usually believe in new year resolutions. But for 2008 I hope I learn to be a better person.

Happy New Year everybody!

Blood's thicker than water huh?

I hate extended family gatherings. I hate having to sit in one corner with a plastic smile plastered on my face. Not that I am the only one doing the whole plastic act. I hate not being able to be myself. I hate having to associate with people I don't have a single thing in common with. I hate having to restrain myself from saying the wrong things. I hate how everything I say or do is being judged. The only reason we're family is because we don't have much of a choice. Other than that, there's nothing binding us. Nothing at all.

I miss you dude. Sigh. Funny how I still think of you after all these years. Oh well. I just hope all is well with you. Much love my dear friend.

Rudolph the red nose reindeer

I'm pretty sure I can pass off as Rudolph now with all the trauma my poor nose has gone through. Days before Christmas and I have to fall sick!! The only good thing that has come out of falling ill is not being able to go to Jb! =)

Yesterday's magic show was brilliant. It was meant for the kids but I think I was the one who was in awe half the time!

Merry Christmas!

=/

I can't possibly be having a mid-life crisis now can I? Nah. I think terming it my quarter life- crisis woud be more appropriate. Yes that's it! I'm having a quarter-life crisis. Gah.
You know I would really like to talk to a stranger right about now. Don't ask. We'll just dismiss it as being part of my quarter-life crisis.

Haarveen's Birthday!


And so yes, Haarveen's finally 18! Finally.







Haarveen can never keep her eyes open for long. I really don't know why!




The yummy tapas

Mum and Dad.

I just realised! Keshini's missing!

I should be shot!

Haarveen's right. I should be shot dead. Hitler stlyle.
And here's why. More reasons to add to the already never ending list.
1) Today, while walking through town, I got really irritated with the old woman in front of me who was walking at an excruciating slow pace. I should be shot yes? She was an OLD woman who probably had trouble walking.
2) I am self-centered.
3) I am a bad sister. Just ask Keshini. She'll agree on that.
There's more but I'll stop here. I shouldn't give Haarveen more reasons to prove her point!

Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we are made. And so you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them.
Meredith Grey
Grey's Anatomy

I feel like I have wasted a hell lot of time keeping people out. I have missed out on so much with all the lines that I have drawn. I don't think I'll ever know what's it like to have a best friend- the kind that every other person has (not my definition of one). I don't think I have ever ventured into my intimate thoughts with anyone. I don't think I'll know what it is like to be downright honest with what I feel or think. I'm terribly afraid of people being up close. I don't quite know why. I guess I just feel safer that way.

I surrender!

It's official- I am a goner. And you know what? I give up! =)

All Love

I feel like Aunt Agony. No really. Funny how I can never sort out my own issues then. I'm not sure if I would like to take the risk and put myself out there again. And about my initial plan to keep my distance? Well, let's just say that's not going too well. Gah. And it doesn't help that there's something else bugging me on top of all this. I don't wanna have to compromise on anything and I feel like I cannot keep up with any of this anymore. I'm gonna do the usual. One thing at a time. We'll see. Or maybe not.

I met Rabeeah on Tuesday after AGES. Lots of love, shopping and gossip! =)

The Stress Reduction Kit!




Haarveen making FULL use of the kit!

I hate them all, sun-kissed or not!

Lately, I have developed this strong dislike towards raisins! And for some strange reason I have been seeing raisins just about everywhere. Just two days ago, the kid beside me was munching on raisins. Goodness knows how he managed to stuff the entire handful of that shrivelled up grapes into his mouth. Yesterday, I found raisins in my chocolate cake! Who in the right mind puts raisins in chocolate cakes?! And today I found raisins in my bread (I somehow managed to overlook the fact that it was a raisin loaf BUT that's besides the point) and the only chocolate bar around had raisins in it!

Men in Black

Rain on the Rainbow

There we go again.
Sigh.

Hurry home Bunny!

Rani. Dad. Mum. Me

I miss Ranitha. It's pretty weird cause she just left. =(
I didn't think I'll miss her this much. But I guess I'm way too used to talking to her everyday or atleast every other day. I feel like I need to pick up the phone and tell her something absolutely random now. I have so much to say, so much to complain and to whine about. I want to talk about senseless garb. I want to hear about men and their ways. I want to discuss our dreams- both hers and mine. I want to talk about clothes, shoes and bags. I want to bitch about anyone and everything. I want to make plans. I want to fantasize about my future. Our future.
My cousin and one of my best friends. 19 years and counting. =)

Star

Just your heart in exchange for mine.
It's that simple.

Sorry Weber =(

I dont think I'm gonna be able to get that A after today's paper. It was pretty alright but I feel like I screwed it up. Oh well.
And so much for the much anticipated CHEESECAKE FEST! =/

If I get that A, its because of Weber!

Just as I was planning to forget about soci and sleep, a van drives pass me. It had Weber's name on it!!! No kidding. It's a sign from Weber himself! I'm pretty sure about that. LOL.

I feel sad.

In circles

I enjoyed the walk. Despite the fact that I was alone. Despite the fact that I only walked around my estate.
3 more to go. But 3 consecutive papers. Oh god. I think I am gonna need divine intervention!

Choose
The single clenched fist lifted and ready,
Or the open hand held out and waiting.
Choose: For we meet by one or the other.
Carl Sandburg

I CANT WAIT FOR SATURDAY!!

Theatre Studies was BAD! -shakes head-
But at least, part 1 of my 5 part liberation series is over. Now just 4 more to go! I'm off to study political science. Gah!
Saturday's the day of my liberation! I cant wait!!!!

Dear God,

Please help me see the purpose of You putting me through all of this. Not very fair is it? I'm not complaining. It's just that I feel like I'm beginning to lose my sanity.

Love,
Thulasi

Over and done with

I have a couple of things on my mind. The first being the bloody exams of course. Which I haven't really studied for! Which would mean that I'm pretty screwed!
And then there's my grandmother who's worrying the hell out of me. I dont think you can call what she's suffering from dementia or suggest that she's senile. I dont quite know what's wrong with her actually. We're bringing her to the doctor tomorrow. Hopefully that enlightens us all on what's going on. It pains me to see her looking so terribly distressed and frustrated. I don't know how to help her either. How exactly am I to find her the house that isn't there or show her the path that doesn't exist?
I love my grandmother. I think she's the only one who actually understands me completely (though we may have some issues with language at times). She reads me like a book. No really. She knows when I'm down. All the time. And this is when I don't show any visible signs of feeling down. She's my source of comfort. I'm just terribly afraid at the moment.
I think I'm gonna stick to being nonchalent. It suits me best. Emotions and getting myself emotionally tangled in some mess just doesn't work for me. I like my heart and brain in whole.

That's Life with a capital "L"

And finally Theatre Practical is over!!! About time. I must say I am pretty relieved. We did a good job. Everyone was just great! But I had to screw up the Q&A section. Darn. I didnt see the bloody question coming. Grrr. Oh well. It's all over now. I'll miss my TS group mates though. =(

Photos! ( Centre Visit, Spirit Week and Diwali)




I love Joy to bits! Man. I wish her parents would let me have her!

I love the way she smiles. Never fails to make my day.

Brayden. Still as tiny. But just as adorable.

My cheeky darling! Always trying to remove my sweater! I miss his signature cheeky look- the one where he scratches his chin and looks at me in a lewd manner! Haarveen, you should know this!

Micole Lau and Tomi Oliver.

Emiko on Beach day! Sadly she was the only one bothered to dress up.

Christine trying to get into the spirit of beach day!

The now famous RED socks

Arts COLOURS

What was I thinking walking around school like this?!

While waiting for Beanie who was taking FOREVER to get there.

JOY!


I love Joy!

......

I am in desperate need of some excitement.

Picture Perfect

It was awkward. I guess I have pretty much grown used to the way things are or will be. The little things I look forward to each day have changed. My pirorities have changed. My needs have changed. I never realised that. Til today. It's not that I love you any less or that I have moved on. It's just that I feel like I'm a different person altogether. As to what that means, I really have no idea. One thing at a time. We'll see.

If I had the chance

It's Diwali. I'm supposed to be stuffing myself with food. But for some reason I feel BLUE.
I don't understand how I managed to overlook what you wanted. I guess I was too caught up with worrying about what I wanted. As usual. It's always about me isn't it? I don't even bother thinking about what others want. Yes I am pretty much spoiled. And no I'm not proud of it.
I really don't know why I try so hard to make peace with you. Maybe its because you matter. Even though I have always refused to acknowledge that. Oh well.
Spell things out for me. Clearly if you don't mind. I really have no idea what you want from me.

Three separate issues. 1 muddled up Thulasi. And lots of food.

-Shakes head-

Men
They're starting to get to me!
There are those who cannot take no for an answer. There are those who mess with your mind. There are those who rub you the wrong way. Yes literally as well. There are those who insist you HAVE to give them your number and will bug you endlessly for it.
No simply means NO! Men just don't get it huh? Hah.

In a land far away



I miss you.

Grrr...

I'm feeling grouchy!

Laa dee da

Distraction. Yea that's it. A mere distraction. But with regards to clammy palms, racing hearts and butterflies in the tummy, NONE! Ziltch. Nil. Nada. Zip. Zot.

Sunshine's Birthday

The cake. Not chocolate though. =(

The birthday boy with the retarded bow my mum made!









My oh so cool bestie.

Murphy's Law

The day you put off washing your hair is the day you're bound to meet the crush! It's Murphy's Law. =/
I chickened out! Yes. Again.

Misshapes

She walks in beauty,
Like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes.
-Byron-

BLUE + RED

I absolutely HATE it when someone intrudes on MY personal space. It bothers me. Alot. I feel suffocated. And I dont like that.

I'm thinking of that special someone. Again. Tsk.

I'm BLUE

I know what I want. Well pretty much atleast.
I have no idea how I'm going to pull off the saree act! I don't exactly have one. And even if I did have one, I have no idea how to tie it! And then there's the problem of how I'm gonna walk in it!
=/ I feel like strangling the person who put me up to it!!!

There you go again. Sigh. I'm beyond tired. Oh well. Whatever floats your boat. *shrugs shoulders*

It's 2:57 am. I'm sleepy. I should be writing my term paper. But here I am, comtemplating life.

I feel uneasy. Very uneasy. Something's just not right.

I'm finding something terribly odd. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it though. =/
There's you and there's me. And then there's us.
I like that.

Time: 7:00pm
Still working on my theatre critique.

My sister pissed me off BIG time today. Every argument we have, she has to bring up my bloody A level grades. That's like hitting below the belt. So I screwed up. Big deal. She's doing good now and I'm happy for her. But everytime we get into an argument, you don't see me bringing up the times when she wasn't doing too well. I cannot understand why she has to keep bringing the A levels up. She somehow manages to link every goddamn thing to how I screwed up. It was a one off thing. Let it go already.
And she has the nerve to lecture me about my spending habits! Hell it's my money. I decide how I'll spend it.

Time: 12:01am
Still stuck on Sociology tutorial.

I need a job! Fast!!

My finances are dangerously low. =/ I need to get a job. I can't relief teach at SINDA cause they're pretty much done with classes for the year.
I'm bored. Even with 4 term papers and a test on Wednesday which I haven't finished studying for.

Obayam 2007




That's Haarv's idea of a good pose. Shakes head.

Haarv ALWAYS has trouble keeping her eyes open!

Nikky and me. Love love!

One of the rare occasions where Nikky ACTUALLY looks sweet!

My mum thinks that if I keep up with my antics, no one will ever want to marry me! (I don't see the connection but then again its my mum) Doesn't bother me! I'll be happy with my 11 cats and food long past their expiry date in my cupboard.

Trying to get the Arabian Princess look right.

A very dead Thulasi, after hours and hours of serving.

I would have taken more pictures but a certain little boy had to run away with my phone!

And yes Ranitha your presence was sorely missed by all!

You're lucky patience happens to be my greatest virtue.

Save it.
I'm having one too many blonde moments.

I'M BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT AND I HAVE A PERSONALITY THAT SHINES! =)

Low self esteem days. Hate them. I hate how no one's spared. Even the most gorgeous, intelligent women with GREAT personalities get them. Gah. But somehow I always manage to pull through. Fake the confidence. It works brilliantly.
I admit how sometimes I wonder how I'll ever measure up or be good enough. To anyone for that matter. But wondering's as far as I'm willing to go. On what basis do you decide your worth? And what exactly are you measuring up to? I can never understand how people can mull over their self worth for days. There's hardly anything concrete to gauge their self worth on.
I had a weird dream. I dreamt that a wallaby hugged me! Then it turned evil and ran its SHARP, pointy claw down my back. *Shudders*

Somewhere

I need a nice, LONG holiday. Somewhere quiet. AND exotic. Somewhere with a nice sandy beach and a breathtaking view. With not a single soul in sight. Yes. That's what I'll like.
I'm mighty pleased with myself.

I LOVE MY NAME!

I don't care if I don't look like a Thulasi. I love my name! And I can't imagine being called anything else. And I think my name's pretty hip. So there!
I'm seeing stars. Been staring at the computer screen for so long. ugh. Now I'm seeing spirals. Or something that looks like that. =/
Okay. I have had enough of being civil. I hate it when I am forced to answer to someone. Especially when I don't see the need to. How is my whereabouts of any concern to you? And let me tell you dude NOBODY demands that I answer their call. I decide that. I'll answer if I want to. And if I don't, I hope you're wise enough to know that I am so not interested in talking to you.

I feel like some hot chocolate. And subway cookies. Mmm.

Plays, bags and cockroaches

I went to watch JBJ yesterday! I enjoyed it despite it having lots to do with politics. Blah! Politics and me just don't gell. It was really good though. I feel like watching another play soon. =)
Borrowed my sister's brand new bag to carry to the play. You wouldn't believe the fuss she kicked up. She was close to murdering me. Thank god I wasn't home at that time. It's just a bag. I know its NEW. But still? Let it go for god's sake. I let her wear my brand new white shorts and my new blue ones. I don't say anything when she helps herself to all my tees. Looks like I'm the NICE one in the family! Hhmph!
There's a cockroach on the loose! =s

I feel the need to be comforted. And the only person whom I derive comfort from is not quite there anymore. And even if he was around I doubt I would want to run into his arms. I'm not weak. Toughen up then Thulasi.
I'm terribly afraid to put myself out there again. I overestimated my ability to distangle myself from all of this. Fuck.
I feel like I need to hold back, not give it my all, not wait earnestly for calls, not hope, not dream, not wish, not love.
But time and time again, I find myself waiting by my bloody phone. I check whether my ringtone is at its loudest. Place it under my pillow and attempt to sleep. Wake up every now and then in the night just to check my phone. Wonder what happened to him. Probably busy I decide. Squeeze my eyes tight and force myself back to sleep. Doesn't work. I repeatedly tell myself how strong I am. I hold on to anything I can, be it the cards, messages or the shirt I so love to go to bed in.
This was what I was so afraid of.

Space

I'm playing safe. I'm not entertaining anything. I'm drawing lines. Keep your distance. I'm keeping mine.

I MISS ME

I'm yearning for a really good conversation. Maybe that why I particularly cannot stand it when people attempt to make small talk. It annoys me. I mean do you really honestly care whether I have eaten or not?And if I haven't had my dinner, are you gonna bring me some? Obviously not. Quit thinking it's a great conversation starter! Because its NOT!
Met Devi yesterday. We were supposed to be studying but we did everything else but that! =) Thought we could meet Palli since we were near his place. But he was in Brunei. So we ended up entertaining ourselves. That was FUN!!

Skip

Kal and Josh dropped by to visit today! But I only had an hour to spare. We barely had time to catch up. But we managed to agree on one thing- school sucks. Hah. Terribly depressing Kal says. Its amazing how I manage to look so cheery! Most of the days atleast.
I didn't go for lecture again today. Which means that up to date I have skipped 5 lectures! I should have never started skipping. The next time I so much think of skipping lecture, slap me please!
Oh and yes! I spotted the cute guy today. The moment I mentioned that to my friends, all three of them jumped up and ran after him!!! I just sat there with my mouth open. Doesn't look like I'm the one who's interested in him does it? Hahah.

I need to talk to someone now. But it's 11.36 in the morning. Everyone's probably in school. I don't need to rant neither do I feel like wailing. I just need to talk.My sister's at home but she's engrossed in her magazine. Sunshine and Meowy are both sleeping. Both my aunts are cooking. So that just leaves me and my tutorials.What a way to spend a beautiful, sunny morning!

19 and Married

One of my friends is getting married. She's 19. It gets worse. To her uncle who's 40. It gets even worse. Her mother forced her into it. I didn't think such things would still be happening. At least not now and definitely not in Singapore. Imagine waking up every morning and seeing your uncle's face. Ugh. The thought of it makes me sick. Very sick. I don't get it. Why should she marry him? 19's not the age to get hitched and to someone who's more than 20 years older than her!! Will they even have anything in common? There's alot of things that they're not going to see eye to eye on. Wouldn't she want to find her own husband? Someone that she likes or something. I dunno. This just doesn't make sense to me at all.
I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable about something that has happened recently. =\ It just doesn't feel quite right now.

BROKE

$200 plus gone in one day! =\ But it was worth it. I hope.

All I can do is to keep breathing

Three months and I'm still hurting. Hah. I guessed I should have dealt with it then and there. I'm dealing with it now. Now's not the exactly the best time with school being sucky and realising I'm on my own most of the time but if I keep it in any longer I'm gonna break. I need my mother but at the same time I don't want her to know anything.

All I can do is to keep breathing. For now atleast.

Bad day. V ery bad day. =(

School

I have a pile of reading waiting for me at home but I just had to go shopping! I still haven't found a pair of shoes that I like!!!
Finally got to meet all my classmates. Pretty nice people. Everyone has problems pronouncing my name. As usual! It's always thu- what? haha. So I say call me Thuts. It's alot easier. And then I get REALLY weird looks from ALL of them!! HAHAHAH!

I HATE THURSDAYS!!!

I CANNOT last from 9- 6!!! What the hell was I thinking! At 3, I start feeling sleepy! At 4, I'm started to blabber. At 5, I feel like I'm floating. At 6, I'm seeing stars. I can't really rememeber what happened after that. haha!
I felt like skipping today's lecture but once I start I'll never stop!!

Swamped

I need to head down to town sometime this week. There's lots of stuff I have to pick up!!! But I just can't find the time. Or the energy. I need to visit the doctor, finish up TONS of readings and then pick up a pair of shoes today. They better have the ones I want!

I'm crushed. Beyond crushed actually. But I'm gonna make sure I'm gonna be fine. It's not that difficult. This has practically become my new mantra.
But the moment I think that I'm probably never going to know what's going in your life or how you're doing, I can't help but let the tears flow. Trust me, I swear I didn't know I had the capacity to be this emotional. It has always been whatever laa dee da. But this time its different.
I guess you just mean too much to me. Way too much. Oh well. I guess I'm free to bawl now. Get over things. Scream at how things are so unfair. I'm gonna take my time. But I sure wish that all this will just tide by. I love you still. Always will.
I have to thank Emiko for making things alot easier for me.

I feel miserable. So much for acting tough. There's hardly anyone to talk to either, everyone's so busy. Sigh. Suck it up Thulasi.

Bus Rides

I hate it when someone seats beside me in the bus and automatically goes to sleep. I have to practically shake the guy when my stop's nearing!! And sometimes even then they will not budge. Geesh.
Oh and sometimes the guy's practically lying on my shoulder. I have to sit extremely close to the window. It's like i'm plastered to it or something.

Pick up the pieces

I can never understand why people commit suicide. I personally don't see it as the solution to any problem let alone the ideal solution. Either yesterday or the day before, this guy I knew( though not personally) committed suicide. I don't know the exact details but I heard he did it because his girlfriend jilted him. Everyone needs to know that your life does not necessary mean that its YOUR life. It does not mean that you hold the right to it neither does it mean that you can decide when you would like to take your life. I think many a times we forget about how interconnected our lives have become with the lives of others. Everything we do affect others in some way or another. Commiting sucide ends your pain, sure. But what about the people you leave behind? Who's going to help them deal with their pain and their loss. Commiting sucide is being selfish. I have no idea what people aim to acheive out of doing it. I have no idea why he did it. Was he hoping his girlfriend will regret her decision? But even then what's the point? Nothing can be done with him gone. The girl's going to bear this immense amount of guilt and it'll probably be with her all her life. It's not her fault yes. But the guilt's ineveitable. Would someone want to do this to the person they love? And what about his family? So what if some girl ditches you, there's a gazillion others. There's no way your family can replace you. If not for yourself, think of the people whom you love. Don't put them through this.

Spring Cleaning

I'm doing spring cleaning and I think I have enough magazines to start a shop. I have tons and tons of them. I'll probably give most of them away and keep the ones I really need. There's lots of kids outside my house now rummaging through my precious books. I wanted to keep them all. But my mum thinks I'm way too old for Enid Blyton!
And I have ALOT of weird books. 6 minutes a day to perfect spelling. Gossips and the Singaporean woman and Everything a young man should know?!! Geesh. Who's even reading any of this stuff.
I'm finding it difficult to even consider. I just can't. Contrary to what everyone thinks. Hah.

I may be a bimbo

I was toying with the idea of majoring in Political Science but now I think not. Geesh in lecture I feel like a total bimbo. I'm hearing stuff about I have never heard of in my entire life. That's still relatively okay. But imagine sitting there and going, " THAT'S A COUNTRY?! I didn't know that. "I hope no one heard me say that! I know nuts about politics or current affairs!!! Time to read up. LOTS!!
I went shopping today with Devi!! I think we ate too much. And then I ran to my crush. What's the chance of that happening?! =) I wanted to strangle Devi. She had to keep turning around and craning her neck at an impossible angle!! I was trying to hide behind my ice cream. Didn't help that I had to be facing him. Aargh!!!

I have been having the weirdest dreams ever! First it was about a big, black lizard, then about this group of guys I haven't hung out with in ages and today I dreamt that I was in labour!!
I meet someone. Kinda think he's ACTUALLY quite nice. I'm thinking finally a nice guy who just wants to be nothing more than friends. ( Who was I kidding?) And then.. Let's just say he turns out to be a little bit of a weirdo.
And then there's my other friend who pulls the disappearing act on me. Yet again. I don't get it. I haven't said or done anything that may have offended him!

School's started. It's not wonderful but its not too bad either. I'll get used to it. yup.
My phone's spoilt! Yet again. My sister's convinced I'm jinxed!! Every phone I touch spoils somehow. I think its just a matter of coincidence.

I feel really frustrated!! Every single thing bugs me from my sister to some idiot to the state of my hair. I should have gone out today instead of staying home. But going out has another set of problems that I refuse to think about now. Aargh. I'm gonna sleep til 7!

Log Books and Animal Rescues
I found the dreaded log book I had to bring to school every day in secondary school! The moment I finished school, I had to get my teacher to sign the damn book. And I had to be home within 15 minutes from the time the book was signed. And that's not all. Every week I had to let the OM check the cursed book. The huniliating part was getting my teachers to sign the book in front of everyone else. And the questions that followed that! Gosh! I'm gonna burn that book now!!! Right this very instant!
Yesterday, a tiny dog fell into the canal outside my house. I think something ought to be done about the railings surrounding the canal. Animals keep falling in every two weeks or so. Animal rescues are emotionally draining. Especially when you see the little thing struggling in the water and there isn't much you can do about it. The Civil Defense took some time to get there. What's the point of sending 10 officers after the poor dog is out of the water?! They did the same darn thing with the cat. They came only after it drowned. Thank God for the man from China. He just took off his shirt and jumped in! Hurray for him!!

Bids
I hate bidding for modules!! I absolutely loathe it. I'm at my nephew's house doing the bloody bidding. The cartoon in the background and him asking me which chicken rice is better is adding to my stress!!! I can't think about chicken rice now. But I'm a little hungry though.
Now he's giving advice on which module to take! Hahah! He thinks I should take health education. It's easy apparently. Hahah. Pity there's no such module. But I'm not gonna tell him that. I can't really explain this whole system to him now. Especially since I don't really get it myself.
He's wants me to check how many people there are in the world now!! Aargh. I should have stayed home. But this is the closest I'll get to hanging out with a child. Damn the bids man. I cant fully concentrate on having fun with him.

I like all things blond!!
I'm actually kinda getting used to school. Probably even liking it. But I'm not gonna admit that to anyone anytime soon. Or wait... Did I just do that?
I'm not going to sentosa tomorrow! I don't care if there are gonna be blond surfer dudes there. I dunno where my OG got the impression that I like blond surfer dudes!! Geesh! Must have been the bus incident! Hahah. I'm not going into details about the bus incident. Too embarassing.
I saw this really cute, little blond boy during Flag Day today. Pity I couldn't understand a single thing that he was trying to say. Oh but he dropped some coins into my tin can! =)

I have lots to say but I dunno where to start so I'm just gonna settle for.... SIGH!!!

ME

No expectations= No disappointments. That's apparently the equation. Quite clear cut. I kinda expected that you weren't gonna come back. I'm just a little disappointed. Not devastated though. So do I detect a flaw in the equation somewhere? I guess I have learnt to let things out of my control be the way they are. I can't do much. What's the point of feeling bummed over it? I'm gonna go out later and enjoy myself. I still wish you were here though.
I know I should give you a chance. But at the moment I want to be the one to make myself happy. I want to be the one to wipe away my own tears. I don't want to depend on anyone. And I certainly don't want to depend on you to see me through this. I need to sort out the mess in my life alone.

Rush

I think I'm falling out with everything familiar. It's a little unsettling. I'm talking to people I usually wouldn't talk to. Doing things that I normally wouldn't be caught doing. I haven't been anywhere near familarity until yesterday when I met Kuga and Xin Jie after school. Gosh I was so happy to see them! It's not like I don't see familiar faces in school. I do. I practically know atleast 1 in 3 people from primary school, secondary school, jc, tution, first three months and goodness knows where else. It's funny how my primary school friends can still recognise me!
I haven't had much time to do much since school started. It's one thing after the next. But I'm actually enjoying the rush. Reminds me a little of secondary school where i finished school late, rush to science practicals, then to band practice and then home to finish up my work. There just wasn't any time for anything else. I kinda liked that. It left me no time to worry about anything.

Tick-tock
I tried waking up late. Taking my time in the shower. Talking to Sunshine. Did loads of channel surfing. Chewed my lunch at an extremely slow speed- The kind that will put the snails to shame. And its just 12.37 pm. Geesh will it kill to speed time up a little? I have no idea what to do next.
I know I'm being extremely stupid by remaining hopeful. But I think its worth it. I know there's lots of fish out in the water sweetheart. Thank you for reiterating that point for the hundredth time. But that's not I want. It's as simple as that.
I'm naughty? Shouldn't I have already passed that whole naughty stage?!
I have no idea what's wrong with my family. I haven't been up to anything naughty!

I lied when I said I was okay with us being this close. I knew it was going to affect our relationship somehow. And I was right. Don't get me wrong babe. I love you. But I'm more than happy to welcome the new phase of our lives that we are gonna embark on.

I’m bored

My throat's hurting really bad! I'm drinking lots of honey water. It's much better than the vile suspension my mother used to give me.
I can't believe it's only Tuesday!! I think I'll go visit my babies later. I kinda miss them.
I love my new, electric blue shorts! I'm glad my sister talked me into buying it.
I give nothing but monotonous answers and people are still interested in talking to me! I don't get it. Doesn't that already scream how uninterested I am!!
I just realized. Everything's so random. Hah.

Little bit brighter

I went to watch the Harry Potter movie yesterday. Not bad. Or maybe it was because I wasn't expecting much since I fell asleep during the last Harry Potter movie. That was hilarious. I thought I was the only one feeling sleepy but Rabeeah and LiMeng looked equally zonked out.
I'm getting used to the way things are now. It's becoming easier. Time does help. That void in my life is becoming progressively smaller. Or so I would like to think so. Yes there's still the occasional tears and there's a whole lot that I miss but I guess that's the way things are. I can't spend the rest of my life moping about something that's beyond my control. It just doesn't make sense. I think I HAVE become emotionally stronger. Haha.
There's a monkey walking around my estate. Serious. But I have yet to see it!

Little Miss Sunshine?

I dunno whether I should. Or maybe i shouldn't? I want to but and the same time I don't want to. I'm wondering what it'll be like. Awkward? Comfortable? A good mix of both?
I have successfully confused myself. Yet again.

Its raining.

Crying is kinda therapeutic! I never realised that. In this two weeks, I'm gonna try and get everything out of my system. And when school starts, no more damp pillows for me. I am sad and I will be for a long time. But I'll get over it. Or atleast never think about it again. I wish..
I melted plastic in the oven yesterday and I didn't even realize it. I'm not going into details. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking about when I put the plastic container in.
My leg is aching! I can't seem to walk properly. I suspect its something to do with the ball game yesterday.

Out I go!

I have always liked being alone. But now I just don't want to be alone at all. I'm grabbing any opportunity to get out of the house. And for once, I don't want to take my phone with me. That's definitely a first!
I wish school would begin faster. I need something to keep my mind occupied.

Your physical appearance isn't what you want it to be now, but you can change that. Rocking chairs and porches are fun, but there comes a time when you have to get off your duff and in the mix. Stir up your social life. Mingle with all types. Old flames could rekindle, or new sparks could ignite.You find kids considerably more intriguing than usual -- though that's not to say you're ready for your own! It's a good time to play with nieces or nephews or just watch kids playing in the street.
And that's supposed to be my horoscope reading for the day? I have no idea what to make of it. hah.

Raindrops keep falling on my head.

Time to say goodbye

Friday was my last day at work. I can't believe that was really my last last day! I still remember how I took up this job just to pass time until I found another job. Funny how every time I wanted to leave, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Sure it was tough and the pay did not justify the shit I had to deal with. But it a way, the whole experience was fulfilling. Very fulfilling. One thing's for sure, my patience has improved tremendously. I usually like things done chop chop. I used to get really irritated when the children took half an hour to nibble their biscuits. But now, I can deal with waiting. Just don't make me wait too long! I used to wrinkle up my nose at children who crap their pants and I cannot bear touching vomit. Now, I reach out instinctively when they want to throw up. Yup right into my cupped hands. I think when you genuinely love a person; you just love them, flaws and all. You love them even when they're covered in puke from head to toe. I love each and every one of them. And I'll miss them like hell.

My grandmother's in the hospital. I don't really like her but I went to visit her nonetheless. To my surprise, I found myself stroking her hair and trying my best to ease her pain. I didn't know I had it in me since she said a lot of hurtful stuff all my life. Just because I appear nonchalant, it does not mean that I'm not hurt. Sometimes, I just desperately wish she'll love me.

I'm getting irritated with romance novels. It's all the same- unrealistic and clinched. Either that or I'm just unromantic

I miss you. But big girls don't cry yes?

Yup
Surprisingly, I didn't feel the least bit sad today! I was just really happy in fact. I guess I'll just stick with the way things are. Atleast for now. We'll see how things go.

I hate feeling disappointed. I look forward to something, sometimes with so much fervor and enthusiasm that it surprises me. And when it doesn't exactly materialize, I hit rock bottom. I don't understand why I'm putting myself through this. Then again, I don't understand anything.
Chinese lessons are fun and I'm starting to look forward to them! I’m glad they decided to change the teacher. Looks like I still have something to look forward to.

Me myself and I

I feel weird
I feel really weird. I can't find the right word to describe how I feel. So I'm settling for something ambiguous. Yup. That's it. I feel weird.

I'm gonna be fine!

Leave me alone please.
I wish everyone would just stop poking their nose into why I have been uncommunicative. What's wrong if I don't feel like talking once in awhile? And I really wish my mum would get off my back. If I'm not hungry, quit forcing me to eat. Geesh.
It's another long day at work tomorrow. I volunteered to cover Ifah. Yes I know. I volunteered. Just thought it'll beat staying at home and idling away. But once again everyone thinks I’m trying to work myself to death. An 11 hour shift is no biggie. I'm not even tired. I wish I was though.

OUCH!
I just got scratched by my cat. ( It's not technically my cat actually. We feed it and it sleeps on my doorstep but that's about it.) Major ouch man. I felt like my finger got sliced. Never liked cats! Hhmph.
I feel like going on a holiday. Just a few days out of town. But i'm not sure if anyone's up for it. Oh well.

I want to go swimming
It's okay Thulasi, it's okay. You’ll get over it. Will I really? For the first time, I’m wishing that I have swimming lessons today. But guess what? of all days, the swimming pool had to be closed today. Under normal circumstances I would have been happy but just not today. Struggling in the water and desperately trying to hold my swimming costume up is good distraction.

I have never felt this sick in my life before.

Sigh
Ever had someone who said that they love you but they don't want to get emotionally involved. Utter bullshit. Emotions form the basis of any relationship. How on earth do you work on something if you don't want to get emotionally involved? We might as well forget it. A pity since I'm trying my best to make this work. But honestly, whatever.

I feel murderous!
You know what really irritates me the shit out of me. Parents. Not mine. But that of the sweet little children I so joyfully take care of. Boy can they really test my patience. Okay so this stupid mother calls the centre up with no intention to complain apparently. But she makes not one but three complaints. First, she insists that her daughter is wearing Joy's dress and not her own. And she wants compensation for that. Honestly, how petty can one get? Clothes get mixed up all the time at childcare centres. Even an idiot will know that. But okay fine, we look into the matter, call Joy up and her maid tells us that all her uniforms are there. Hmm. Second complain- Her daughter was wearing someone else's panty. Her daughter does not wear any panties at all. And all the teachers know that so there is no way one of teachers would have given her the panty to wear. Then she mentions that her towel is missing. But she doesn't know what colour it is. On top of this, she believes that it is our fault that her daughter contracted HFMD. My boss is convinced that all the N1 teachers are dreaming thanks to her. All this does not stop here. She calls for the second time to complain that her daughter is always looking dirty. What does she expect? They're kids. Getting dirty is what they do. Be nice to the parents and when something goes wrong, they throw shit in your face. It's a pity. I don't understand. Why couldn't she have cleared all this with us earlier instead of calling the office? From now on, its just take your child and leave. I'm not gonna waste my time being nice.

To add fuel to my foul mood, every book I pick up or every tv show I watch has something to do with a break up of some sort. Talk about coincidences. I'm gonna make it work. Or at least I'm gonna try. I think for all those times I cried, I can think of a hundred other times you have made me laugh or smile. I guess just knowing that I have you in my life, even though we may not be in the same country is good enough for me. Five minute conversations, sometimes not even enough to fit everything in, meeting you once a month or sometimes even longer than that, not knowing everything single thing that happens in your life may be difficult at times. But I guess I'm willing to make do, make the necessary changes. Anything. It's just not every day you meet the right person. And definitely not one who still makes my heart beat faster even after all this while.

I guess I'll just have to make do with the way things are currently. Hah.

Reminiscing
Been feeling a little down lately. Sigh. Thank god work keeps me busy. I suspect that's why I keep putting off the date I decide to leave. Haha. I miss my babies! I don't feel like leaving!!! I need to hear their spontaneous declarations of their love for me. I need to feel their little fingers wrapped around mine. I need to roll on the floor laughing at the silly things they say. It's therapeutic. Just six months and I'm so in love with these little stangers.
We're apart but thoughts of you keep me up all night. Hah.

My family needs a little wisdom

I'm not so sure I want to get the wisdom tooth on the left side of my mouth removed as well. Who would have thought the recovery process would really hurt?! I thought the dentist was exaggerating. The swell has gone down but my mum and sisters keep laughing and making the stupidest jokes ever (I swear!) about how funny I look. First it was Ugly Betty and now this. Heavens!

Did I mention that my family's a little weird?
I tidy up my room and my mother screams at me. I'm confused. Doesn't it work the other way? I don't clean my room and she screams at me?

My sister spotted a cockroach at the dining area and screams at the top of her lungs last night. I grab the insecticide and hop all around the room chasing it. Finally, it stops moving. Yes!! And then my sister screams. Again. Apparently, I just took a life. (Actually, I took two lives. I flushed a spider down the sink a short while before that but she doesn't have to know about that.) Then she goes on and on about how I'm not going to sleep in peace for the rest of my life.

My dear darling sister also named our stray cat Moonshine. The same way she named our BLACK, MALE dog, Sunshine. I'm starting to think my family's just really bad with names.

More Random Stuff
I had a really weird dream yesterday! I dreamt that Rabeeah, Rathi and I were playing in some netball tournament. And the best part is I woke up thinking it really happened!
Every time I read any of my magazines, the only person who rushes me through it is my sister. But now my dad does it too. He's into teen vogue and cosmo girl at the moment!
Someone can mean the world to you. But sometimes, all you want to do is keep away from that person because you know that’s the best thing for you. Yup. I'm trying to keep busy but it's not working!!

Mother's day

So finally the Mother's Day celebration in school is over! Gosh. I cannot express how relieved I feel. It felt good to come home yesterday, plop myself on the couch and do ABSOLUTELY nothing at all. I have been constantly cutting, pasting, drawing, colouring and making flowers (distorted looking ones though. Their hands are all so tiny!) from the kids' handprints for the past two weeks. All the hype, buzz and noise for a mere two hour celebration. Actually, I am quite glad it was just two hours. I had to play temporary mum to three kids whose mothers weren't there just so they will not feel left out.
I have come to realise that working with my mother has actually brought us closer. I open up more to her now and we have kinda stopped arguing over every goddamn thing. I like hanging out with her. She's like my best friend, only better. From make-up advice, to being there through break-ups, to taking time-off when I'm ill, to fixing my bad hair days, to worrying about the state of my teeth (I swear that woman has an obsession with my teeth!!), I know I can count on my mum for ANYTHIN! She's like wonderwoman. There's nothing she can't do. She always manages to save my ass. Somehow. But the thing I still cannot stand is when strangers mistake her for my older sister!! I so do hope her age-defying looks are hereditary!

Random
I love the smell of joy's hair. I know I sound like a psycho but it's really nice! She's such a doll. Such a pity she has idiotic parents. If only I could adopt her!
I need Ifah back. FAST. The kids and Targit are driving me insane! Targit is such a pain to work with. All she does is complain. Complain about the weather. Complain about the food. Complain about how much milk she has to make and how a certain little girl is a witch! Whoever calls a child a witch?!! Someone's got to teach her how to handle her fustrations man!
I'm dead bored. And when that happens I feel down. So I go shopping. Spend some money. Feel happy and all so accomplished ( for some reason). And then I feel the strain on my pocket. It's a vicious cycle I tell you.
I think I need a new friend. Rock climbing anyone?


I miss you. Badly.

Updates

I haven't had much time to bum around lately. Not that I set aside time to do so. I just usually always have time to bum around. Have to go back to work soon so I’ll make this post really quick.

1) My birthday- Sucked as usual.
2) Aunt from Australia visited- I'm the only one in my family except perhaps my dad who has yet to snap at her. She can REALLY test a person's patience. Trust me on that. There are days that I just want to wring her neck! And maybe slap her a dozen times and roll her til she is as flat as a pancake.
3) Trip to Aussie land- Cancelled. Don't even ask. I really wanted to go but what the heck. There'll always be a next time. I think.
4) Work- Work's really tiring me out. My boss is just interested in getting more and more children. The fact that we have a shortage of teachers doesn't bother her. 18 hyper HYPER HYPER children and one poor me is not a pretty sight. Especially when I have mucus on my shirt, saliva on my jeans and rice in my hair. It wouldn't be that bad if they were all a little older. But the majority of them are babies!! And thank the heavens SINDA is ending this week!

My precious little joys


Work's been tiring me out! I have some photos of my kids here. Dear old Pops was kind enough to be my photographer!


Joy and Micole- The Best Friends

My dear little joy. She’s the reason I drag myself out of bed everyday. I love her to bits! Im really gonna miss her when I leave.

Tomi Oliver!! My hyperactive darling who’s always trying to hide in the cardboard box. Why? I have no idea. He’s away in Palestine at the moment and I miss him already!

I feel like I'm part of a jigsaw puzzle- The piece that just will not fit no matter how hard you try. I know I'll never fit in. So someone explain to me please.Why am I even bothering?

I just finished preparing the Science worksheets for my Sinda students. Tough work there!
The friendship I have with a certain someone is beginning to feel like a friendship of convenience. And I think he's the only one who's finding it convenient. Calling me when he needs something has become somewhat of a reflex action for him. He only calls me when he needs help with his bloody projects or when he needs someone to go out with or when he loses his way. I seriously have nothing against helping him. Not even when I have to change my plans to accommodate his. It's just that when I need to tell him something, he goes MIA or makes some dumb, insensitive joke about it. And this happens all the time!

Sometimes, I dont have the heart to scold my kids. Especially when they turn on their charm. Little Joshua irrtated me to the max yesterday and I REALLY felt like strangling him. But obviously I couldnt do that. So I said, '' JOSHUA KONG, YOU MAKE ME REALLY ANGRY!!" To which he replied, " And you make me very happy Miss Ram".

I have puke all over me and I am not the least bit disgusted. It smells of something I cannot quite make out. =)
I am planning to keep myself really busy with all sorts of activities so I won’t really have the time to think about unnecessary stuff. I have everything covered except the time between when my head touches my pillow until the time I fall asleep. I feel horribly miserable during that dark, lonely, depressing hour.
University choices are driving me insane. I am not really sure what I want to do.

I'll be lying if I said that I am not disappointed with my grades. I am very much disappointed. But for once I didn't feel like I should have done things this way or that way. My grades may not be fantastic but I have come a long way and I am proud of that. Pulling myself out the dumps wasn't the least bit easy but I managed it. But that definitely would not have been possible without the help of some very special people. Thank you for believing in me! And now, finally some closure.

I'm disturbed. What's the chances of it happening? All I did was pass a casual remark. Hell I make casual remarks all the time. And most of the time nothing ever happens. But yesterday everything happened right on cue!
Did I mention that the parents at my centre are driving me insane! Some mother insists that I HAVE to clean her daughter's bottom with the wipes that she so graciously provided, another looks at me and asks for the teacher ( I AM the teacher damn it) and there's one particularly irritating mother who feels that her daughter's in prison!

Okay so Valentine's Day wasn't all that bad. Much better than I had expected. It was fabulous actually! I didn't see anyone who was particularly love struck and it wasn't that crowded. But I still do think Valentine's Day is a tad bit overrated.
The results are going to be out soon. My mother goes on about how it's no big deal even if I flunk the A's. But to me it is a BIG deal. I'm afraid of failing. I'm not talking about those little setbacks, small class tests or stuff like that. Major failures get to me. After I failed my grade five piano practical, I completely stopped learning the piano. It's a shame actually. I was quite good at it. I have absolutely no idea how I screwed up. But after that I was pretty sure I never ever wanted to take piano lessons again. I'm just so afraid it's going to be the same if I mess my A's up.
I'm lost.

For some reason I always feel sad on Valentine's Day. It's not because I don't have a date or anything like that. It's just one of those unexplainable things I guess. I hate going out on Valentine's Day by the way. I feel like just to walk through town; I have to battle a whole bunch of love sick couples. Ugh.
Happy Valentine's Day!

Gosh! I feel so darn stupid for falling for your sob story. I let my guard down once and people take advantage of it. Ugh. I'm disgusted. With myself.
Oh and im heartbroken, devastated and goodness knows what else. The love of my life- Wentworth Miller is gay! Or so people claim. Please tell me its not true!
And is finding a cookie jar that darn difficult???

It's weird how things turn out. What you expect never happens and what you were positive will NEVER EVER EVER happen, happens. I had nothing to lose and I secretly thought I had nothing to gain as well.Boy, wasn't I wrong! I am just glad I did what I did. I have never been happier.

I hate routines! And I am finding it difficult trying to fall into this one. I like order and all but I am finding this is a bit too much. School was supposed to be somewhat a routine but strangely I didn't feel that way at all. Things were fine the first few weeks but now I am in need of a change. A desperate change. I mean my job's pretty cool and stuff but I guess there's just so much more I want and need to see.
I forgive and forget too easily? I don't know about the forgiving part but I don't think I forget that easily. I haven't forgotten any particularly significant incident. I don't forget. I just don't talk about it. I don't see the need to.

I'm the biggest worrywart ever. Those sleepless nights are here to stay.

Why do I get so upset over stupid and yes even insignificant things? Honestly, I don't care who you're going out with or who you're attached to. I think im just a little upset over the fact that you lied. But im way upset over something else. And I you know damn well what it is. Sigh. Im way over it now.
Every time, I think of the damn A level results, I get this really nauseous feeling. Sigh. I don't want to retake the A's again. I will just die! I think it's the cruelest form of torture ever. Please God, have some mercy!

It's all about taking chances huh? What happens if you are wrong? Or better still, how would you ever know if you are right?
Im dead bored.

Its no game but its starting to sound like one.

I love my job! Everyday's a surprise- from the brilliantly engineered lies as to who punched who to the random hugs and kisses. I actually feel loved by total strangers. It's an amazing feeling. I love being around them. They aren't pretentious; they don't judge you and they love you for who you are. Of course there are the downsides to the job as well. It pains me to see the autistic kids struggle. Half the time I feel like running over to hug them, assure them that things are going be okay. The sad truth- life will always be more of a struggle for them than it is for us.

I love you.

Im gonna play safe and keep my distance. Why get my little head all muddled up yet again? I dont need this and neither do you. So its settled! Besties we shall not be!

2007. Finally. A whole new beginning. No more lugging around emotional baggage- kicked it all right out of the door. No more hanging onto friends who dont give a shit about me. No more feeing sorry for myself. No more hiding behind lies made up by yours truly.
No more pretending or rather trying to pretend im someone else- someone with a nice picture perfect life.
Ahh.. Im liking the new year already. I feel so much lighter and so much happier!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!