Tonight, you're the lone ranger

After awhile, you finally realise that no knight in shining armor is going to ride in and pick up the pieces for you.
After awhile, you realise you're on your own. Flying solo.
You're going to have to pick up the pieces, wipe the tears away and trudge through life like a brave soldier. All this in hope of a better tomorrow. So dont lose faith my friend. Tomorrow will be better because tomorrow you'll be a stronger person.

I love you. Always have and always will.

We might as well be strangers

I want a love like me thinking of you thinking of me thinking of you type love or me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to myself about how I feel about you type love or hating how jealous you are but loving how much you want me all to yourself type love. Or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name.

And shit-

I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you and I barely made it out of my garage.

See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep then wonder if she's dreaming about us being in love type love or who loves the other more or what she's doing at this exact moment or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts.
Closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just hurt so much when she's not there and shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed type love.

And check this-

I wanna place those little post-it notes all around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type love,
Then not have enough ink in my pen to write all the love type love and hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel.
And I wanna deal with my friends making fun of me the way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love.

The only difference is this is one of those real love type loves.

And just like in high school I wanna spend hours on the phone not saying shit and then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me and smell her all up in my covers type love.
And I wanna try counting the ways I love her then lose count in the middle just so I could start all over again.

And I wanna celebrate one of those one-month anniversaries even though they ain't really anniversaries but doing it just 'cause it makes her happy type love.

And check this-

I wanna fall in love with the melody the phone plays when our numbers dial in type love and talk to you until I lose my breath, she leaves me breathless, but with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me.

I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer 'cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type love.
And I don't want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are. I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love you as long as I'd like to type love.
And I want a love that makes me st-st-st-stutter just thinking about how strong this love is type love and I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair. Well maybe not all of the hair, maybe like I'd cut the split ends and trim my mustache but it would still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her.

I kind of feel comfortable now so I even be fantasize about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory, get transported to some third world country just to get treated and somehow meet up again with you so I could fall in love with you in a different language and see if it still feels the same type love.

I want a love that's as unexplainable as she is.

-Shihan, This type love.

As we know it

I can't think of a single reason why I should stay. I do however, have a gazillion reasons why I should turn and run for my dear life. I should quit while its early. Get out while we're still way ahead. But here's the thing. This mess I have here, let's just say it has become a real part of me. And I'm not willing to part with it. Atleast not yet.

My favourite mistake

Once again, my nonchalence scares me. I dont know how I do it. In a room, surrounded by people writing furiously, I think nothing of putting my pen down. I think nothing of staring out of the window when I'm nowhere near done. I watch the rain. And finally for the first time this entire semester, I felt at peace. With an incomplete paper in my hand.

Who do you live for?

Up and down the street poured the Saturday afternoon crowd; mothers bent on finding perfect autumn overcoats, men in greasy tweed hats, bored suburban girls bringing £9.99 bargains to show off to friends. From here I could hear the familiar queasy mix of at least three buskers; that interminable "Annie's Song" on flute, I thought, and the man with the African drums, and a brass band. I watched the ground; the reddish bricks disappeared and reappeared as the feet and coats rushed over them.

Minnie would definitely get a ticket now. I realized that I didn't care if she got three tickets and was towed away. The sound of the flute lifted for a bar or two above the clang of the brass band, and I was happy. Perversely, incredulously, momentarily happy.

When it was gone and the wave had dropped my feet down hard against the pavement, the crowd looked different to me. The shoppers were no more likable, but they did have faces. It came into my head that everyone on this street had either gone through a loss more or less equivalent to mine, or would do so by the end of their life. Some would have it easier, some worse, some over and over.

Imagine if a giant hand in the sky gestured us to stop, this minute, figures frozen halfway through a stride or a sentence, all along Grafton Street. If the hand gestured for us to tell what was really preoccupying us, then death would be on every second mouth: "My mam's gone for more tests," one would admit, and the next, "Well my uncle and my teacher went last year," and another, "Our first was stillborn," and another, "I've a feeling this Christmas might be my last." I wanted to make everyone sit down on the sun-warmed pavement, arranging their bags and bundles round them, and turn to their neighbour to talk of this huge headline hanging over us. Who have you lost to death, they would ask each other, who are you afraid of losing, who were you glad to see taken, and when do you think death might come for you? The brass band should be playing a triumphant funeral march, and the sun should be making skeleton shadows of our bodies on the gaps of pavement between the groups. The signs behind the polished glass fronts should say, "How many shopping days left?" It made no sense to be talking about anything else. And why did we pretend to be strangers when we were all webbed together by the people we had lost and the short future we had in common?

Through the crowd I saw a girl running down the street. Only the back of her; all I could make out was a rusty head of hair, catching the light whenever she emerged from a building's shadow. Probably running for a bus, or twenty-five minutes late to meet a friend at Bewley's. She had almost disappeared into the wide mouth of the crowd; I saw something moving but wasn't sure if it was her. My eyes let her slip.

The crowd was swirling, no longer frozen in my vision. It was Saturday afternoon, and there were coats to be tried on and teacups to drain.

Hood
Emma Donoghue

Please don't make me go

The little girl did not want to go to sleep in a neighbour's house unless the bedroom door was left open."Why, you're not afraid of the dark- a big girl like you?" the neighbour teased.
"Yes, I am," the little girl cried.
"But you're not afraid of the dark at your house."
"I know,"answered the girl, "but that's my dark."
-anonymous story-

I may loathe it at times. And more often than not, it consumes me. But it's what I'm used to.
And when all fails, I still have my dark to run back to.

You can be my everyday

Everything's beautiful. The sky's a rich shade of blue and my hair's dancing in the breeze. I'm smiling. I'm grateful for yesterday, for today and I will be grateful for tomorrow. Pity I'm detached from it all.
I'm at a loss love.

All that you can't leave behind.

I like being in love with you.
sigh.

Unopened letters to the World

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
dear penpal, how are you? hope you are fine. Anyway how's school?did you get your test marks back yet?well, there's nothing much to say. Did you know i went to my friends place at bukit timah? Her mother fetched us in a station wagon and then she drove us to Han's for lunch. Do you know she gave my friend a $50 note and asked her to have lunch?

thuls says:
HAHAH OMG I WROTE THIS????

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
We had lunch(just the 4 of us)(meaning me, Jia qian, Gurveen and Liying).Then we drove to her house. I nearly fainted when I saw her house, it was beautiful. So, what's new?

thuls says:
omg i did

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
Are you having any stress? I'm very scared about the BCG and the PSLE. Does your teacher want you to go to remedials. oops i forgot to ask you how your prefect job getting along. Good i suppose! does it affect your studies? well let me tell you a story(sort of)

thuls says:
OMG STOP!

thuls says:
hahahahahahahahahah

thuls says:
i feel like digging a hole and burying myself!


a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
One day my teacher was going to her friend's house which was on the 21st story. She pressed the "door close" but a boy of 21 or in his twenties slipped through. He did not know what button to press and press 19 and he kept looking at her. She felt very uncomfortable. She was pregnant with her first child, jacqueline. But her stomach was not big at all. Then..

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
call me to find out the rest!

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
OMG CLASSIC!TELL ME STORY HALFWAY AND SAY CALL ME TO FIND OUT THE REST

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
scared i never call you is it?

thuls says:
HAHAHAH

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
HAHHAHAHAHA
LOSER

thuls says:
I DONT REMEMBER EH

thuls says:
ASS!

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
YEA DAMMIT

thuls says:
-_-

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
now i wanna know the damn story!!!

thuls says:
but i cant remember it myself!

thuls says:
=(

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
so sad. I was cleaning my whole room today. All the drawers everything and i found this. I wanted to die laughing

thuls says:
HAHAHA

thuls says:
i can just imagine! =/

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
wah then i read the last part i was like omg THUTS WAS IRRITATING EVEN THEN. HAHAHAHAHAH

Between order and randomness

Sometimes you feel euphoric. Everything is sublime and has an aura, and suddenly you are intensely nauseated and then you are gone.
- The Time Traveler's Wife-

You have dug your own grave, now lie in it.

Don't. You'll ruin it.

Ruin what?

This. Us.

Don't you want to know?

No.

Why not?

I don't know.

You're afraid.

No. I'm not.

You are.

What's there to be afraid of love?
There's no way back.

It's alright ma (I'm only bleeding)

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat.
'We're all mad here.
I'm mad. You're mad.'

-Alice in Wonderland-

Take me back to the start

I'm waiting for that sickening thud at the end of all of this. And hopefully that jolts me back to reality.
gah. I hate school.

You stop to wonder why you're here not there

It was familiar. That's as far as it goes. sigh.

I like long hair. I like men. Together, bone-shudderingly wrong.
-The chocolate run-
Took that right out of my mouth! (:

What do you go home to?

You would think with every goodbye said, saying goodbye would come almost naturally. Far from it. I loathe you for not being able to say goodbye when you should have. I'm not going to make the same mistake. This feels surreal. And part of me feels like things would be back to normal tomorrow. Like they always do. But I guess enough is enough.
Dear God, give me the strength to get through this. My heart feels like it is going to break. My eyes are sore and I feel like caving in.
Goodbye my friend. I'll miss you.

The search for something more

There we go again.
SIGH.

Nothing left but to say goodbye

This too shall pass. =(

It gets the worst at night

The things that matter, we forget and those that don't, we remember all so well. Funny ain't it?
I hate having stomach cramps. The cramps are getting a hell lot more bearable. I no longer have to writher on my bed like a spastic snake. But they're still pretty much there so bummer for me.
Friday with the kids:
We spent a good 15 minutes deciding who farted cause the room really stank. seriously. ugh. Productive class time don't you think!
The kids are amazing at remembering things. Maybe I should have kept that in mind when I screamed fuck after slamming my knee into the wooden table. The whole bunch of them started chanting that after me! And that was when it was almost time for them to go home!!! Imagine what would have happened if their parents had walked in on them chanting fuck! *shudders* There goes my job man. Actually on second thought, that doesn't sound too bad an idea does it now?
And yes it gets the worst at night. =(
I love lazy Saturday afternoons. When you're dead bored, you end up blogging about boring, random stuff. gah. I AM boring.

Can't stop this thing we have started

I miss work already. Gah.

I'm part of you indefinitely.

The places that you have come to fear the most



I have a jelly belly.
:(

The Leavers Dance

When someone is in your heart, they're never really truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.
-For One More Day-

Tell me about it.

Running to stand still

I know it's not perfect, but it's life. Life is messy sometimes.
-Grey's Anatomy-

Messy is an understatement isn't it?

Some you give away

How do you know when irrational exuberance has unduly escalated the practical, *yawn* boring side?
I like how everyone assumes that I am governed by my whims. And to make things clear, I am not running away this time. I am merely doing what I feel I should be doing. I have thought about the consequences and I acknowledge them. So I guess that's that.

My way home is through you

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou-

Uh-huh

Let the reigns go loose. Yea right.

Well here's the shit. I dont quite know who or what to believe anymore. The benefit of the doubt card's being used a tad too often. And I'm being steered in a direction that I am pretty sure that I wouldn't like to head in.
Time to tighten the reins Thuls.

What comes after the blues

We create our own circumstances by our choices. And with the kind of choices I have made and the impending circumstances that I have landed myself into, Devi has never judged me. Not once.
She calls me after weeks to run an apparently bizarre idea pass me in her drugged state (She's down with the flu) and somehow the call just makes my day.
And as usual, she provides me with another of her 'live vicariously through thuls plans' which I don't quite take too but that's besides the point. Her ingenious plans (as always) leaves us both in giggles. I miss her!

Here's why I love her. -_-
1)She decided to set us both up, one v-day with these two guys. (She has never met these guys. She knew nothing about them except for the fact that they were skinheads! I later found out that they had pretty notorious reputations. A small fact she forgot to add she claims. *slaps forehead*)
2) She named her drawing of the penis after me.
3) She convinced an entire bunch of SAJC guys that I has a sex change in Thailand. And they actually believed her.
4) She gives my number out to random guys. All because she thinks I should have a little fun.
5) She never lets me (or anyone for that matter) forget about the time I fell right smack into the mud.

"I slept with someone in fall out boy and all I got was this stupid song written about me"

Thulasi says:
i'm in love!
Thulasi says:
with chace!
joyce.†*~ says:
hahah WHO?
joyce.†*~ says:
rephrase: who is it THIS TIME
Thulasi says:
the dude in my dp!
joyce.†*~ says:
he looks vaguely familiar
joyce.†*~ says:
is he from GOSSIP GIRL
Thulasi says:
YES!
Thulasi says:
the official love of my life!
joyce.†*~ says:
hahaa looks like SOMEONE has been watching it already!
joyce.†*~ says:
he's nathan right
Thulasi says:
LOL
Thulasi says:
yesss
Thulasi says:
i am watching it now!
joyce.†*~ says:
uhohhh ADDICT IN THE MAKING
Thulasi says:
YES
Thulasi says:
i'm addicted
Thulasi says:
and so so in love
Thulasi says:
i can hear the wedding bells already!
joyce.†*~ says:
hahah oh goodness
joyce.†*~ says:
have u ALREADY forgotten abt ur past love JAMES
Thulasi says:
bye james!
joyce.†*~ says:
GASP
joyce.†*~ says:
FICKLE WOMAN
Thulasi says:
yes yes
Thulasi says:
i know
Thulasi says:
but this time i'm sure!
Thulasi says:
very sure
joyce.†*~ says:
poor james
Thulasi says:
yes yes
Thulasi says:
he's crying his heart out now
Thulasi says:
but he'll get over it
Thulasi says:
just the same way how wenty ( that's my nick for wentworth btw) got over it
Thulasi says:
poor jamesy!
Thulasi says:
sigh
joyce.†*~ says:
HAHA WENTY?!!
joyce.†*~ says:
wenty is GAY
Thulasi says:
oh that was before he turned gay
Thulasi says:
didnt you hear?!?!
he was so heartbrokened that he turned to men after i left
Thulasi says:
poor dude. he was devastated!
joyce.†*~ says:
OHHH yes yes that must be it
joyce.†*~ says:
u lil heartbreaker, you!
Thulasi says:
yes of course!
Thulasi says:
nah. it just happens
Thulasi says:
these things
Thulasi says:
SIGHS
joyce.†*~ says:
this uncontrollable, voracious appeal u have on men
joyce.†*~ says:
tsk tsk
Thulasi says:
yes yes
Thulasi says:
they find my chubbiness adorable
Thulasi says:
funny huh
Thulasi says:
esp when they have those leggy stick like creatures around them
Thulasi says:
i think people refer to them as models!
Thulasi says:
yes that's it
joyce.†*~ says:
oh goodness i saw a string of those things jaywalking today in orchard rd
joyce.†*~ says:
utterly disgusting.
Thulasi says:
yes yes
Thulasi says:
weird looking things
Thulasi says:
unnatural i must say
joyce.†*~ says:
like daddylonglegs


I miss you momo! :(

Ashes of dreams you let die



And so I got all worried for no reason. Things are the still very much the same.
I love you guys.(:

The trick is to keep breathing

So I was at work, handing out forms for a parenting talk and then one of my student's mother comes up to me and asks for my good name. That kinda caught me off guard. I stared at her blankly for a good five seconds. She must have have thought that I was retarded or something. But really now what the hell is a good name?! Why couldn't she asked for it the way normal people would have?
And then the senior teacher insists that she monitors me while I shut the windows. Seriously. Does she think I have never seen a window in my life before or something?!?! And let's say that in the event that I haven't seen window (that's highly unlikely but this is hypothetical so practically anything goes), how difficult can shutting the windows be?! It's practically idiot-proof! Goodness. These people will be the death of me.
I need shoes! More shoes rather. I love shoes the way Carrie Bradshaw loves them! Who can forget the Sex and the City episode in which she begs a mugger to take everything but her precious, strappy Blahniks! I would have done the same!
Another long day at work tomorrow. Gah.

All I can do is to keep breathing. That works out fine for me. Well for now atleast.

Over the hills and far away

It's horribly exhausting to be incessantly worrying about doing the right thing. Be it about what I am going to major in to how I should deal with a certain issue or rather a good handful of issues or simply just whether I really should have taken that last cookie.
The summer's turning out to be the worst holiday I ever had. I haven't seen my friends in ages. I'm terribly broke. I spend most of my time at work. Yes I'm growing to love the kids. But I hate how they run the centre. There isn't a system and that irks me. I like things organised! I go in everyday and they're like do what ever you want. Okay that suits me just fine. But this whatever I want comes with restrictions. As to how that works, I really have no idea. Honestly, sometimes I just feel like throttling the coordinator. Really.
Rabeeah and I are meeting Siti this Saturday. Well atleast that's the plan. Funny how I'm not the least bit excited about seeing Siti. I haven't seen her in what four year? I'm actually not too keen on meeting her. Funny huh since most of my best memories were made with her- From band practices, to sports day to calling the orphanage and pretending to be her form teacher so that we could go out to hanging out at her class to 'two weeks boyfriends' to soccer matches to sly planning so that I could have a lone moment with my crush to outrageous stories created and told to the operations manager. Maybe I want to leave those memories at that. It's been four years. God knows what might have changed during that time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMO!

You Gotta Go There To Come Back
















































<333

The sky just got a whole lot brighter

She cares.
And that's all that really matters.
I love you babe. (:

=(

Let's say I tell my mother that I don't have my results for last sem because the system jammed up. And so my results were erased from the system and there is absolutely no chance of ever getting them back!
You think she'll buy it?

In threes

Twist to the right
And then turn to the left
Be careful now. It's fragile.
Yes that's it.
Red. Blue. Green. Yellow
I have seen them all. Felt them all
A change of hands
Now you try.
It's easy. She's easy.
My heart- The Rubrik Cube.

Paint me the pretty picture




I love thee, I love but thee
With a love that shall not die
Till the sun grows cold
And the stars grow old.
~ Willam Shakespeare ~

“If I were the moon, I know where I would fall down”

In the face of all that we can lose in a day, in an instance, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it all together.
Meredith Grey

The reality's some pretty powerful stuff. Funny how you only realise that when you're totally disconnected from everything that matters to you. Yesterday was refreshing. I miss that. Quite abit. That serene feeling lasted for what 5 hours and then before I knew it I was thrown back into what I detest the most- reality. Oh well. Atleast on the bright side (whatever little there is of it left), I think I might actually know what I want! =)

I need a job! Fast!

Meet Stuffy-Muffy!

I love you stuffy! (although we haven't really met but what the heck yes?) =)

I'm losing everything I believe in. Talk about being random huh? Okay so maybe I'm not being random. I'm confusing myself. Yes that's it. I'm confused. Ah much better.