When you know that what you are doing is wrong and you carry on, does that make it more wrong??

I'll do it tomorrow, I promise

I'm a procrastinator, damn it. I procrastinate about everything from school work right down to exercising. Sigh. But that's gonna change! Or atleast I hope.
My dad's back from the hospital. Like finally. Yay! But when I get back from school, I see him reading the newspapers. Something he's not supposed to do. Sigh. When is he ever going to learn??
My feelings are becoming more evident. Im practically wearing them on my sleeve. And I HATE it! I can mask my feelings pretty well. That is only if I want to. But now, just ANYONE can read me. I like ambiguity. I like distancing myself at times. I like being in my own world. And I dont particularly appreciate it if people try to force their way through.

Im now wearing Sharini's green kebaya, looking absolutely gorgeous. Ookay that was abit of an exaggeration but yes we finally decided to wear our costumes. Finally I stress. As Sharini would say,' its the last Racial Harmony of our lives' so we thought might as well just wear those costumes.
I hate it when people suddenly put on a mask. I dont feel comfortable around them anymore. And strangely, no one else seems to notice this 'mask'. Im starting to think maybe, just maybe im letting my imagination run wild. But then again your actions speak otherwise. I know you too well and sometimes I wish I didnt know you that well.

Today was my father's eye surgery. And today was the first time I saw my strong, 'im afraid of nothing' father in pain. Deep pain. He was in such a pitiful state. As I watched him eat, I couldn't hold back my tears. He looked so vulnerable. He was like a child begging to go home. Every few minutes he would ask me when he could go home. It was extremely weird to see him in such a state. Earlier while he was in the operating theatre, I was talking to his childhood friend and I realized how much I have drifted away from my father. We hardly talk about stuff anymore. I remember how I used to spends hours listening to all the wonderful stories he used to tell me. Or how I would roll on the floor laughing at the lame things he said. And now other than ' Switch on the tv' or ' WHAT TIME YOU COMING HOME?', we hardly talk anymore. Its sad.
Tomorrow's Racial Harmony. I just hope we arent the only ones all dressed up.

I HATE PE! My entire body is aching. I cant raise my arm without wincing. Sigh. And I suddenly feel sleepy. Bet its because of the STRENUOUS pe lesson. Mmm.. Im off to sleep now.

I was trying to read my notes on normal distribution last night but nothing was getting into my head. So the wisest thing was to keep my notes away and sleep. But I couldnt get to sleep. Sigh. And so I started thinking about unnecessary stuff. Things that get to me and mess me up. Big time. I dunno why but I feel really vulnerable lately. Im crumbling inside. Everyday's such a drag. I need a hug now. Badly.

Lately, I feel so much at peace. Thankful for every single thing around me. Grateful even. Yet, there are times when I feel as if im just going to fall to pieces. Disintegrate. Like now. And the best part is I dont even know why. Sigh.
Sometimes, I wish I could grow up faster. Be of some help.
I dont care how but im gonna watch Salaam Namaste over the weekend. Its about time man.

I love 05A3

The weekend was simply fabulous. I got my much anticipated break. We had a barbeque, went swimming in our sports bra ( We didn't bring our swimming costumes) , played an interesting game of 'truth or dare', went cycling and basically just chilled lots at the beach. We really ought to do it again. Maybe after the As. California sounds good. Bet you would like that, Candice.
Today, my father went for his eye check up. Apparently, there's some complications with his previous cateract operation. Have to do a major operartion or there's a possibility of him losin his sight. Going blind is scary. Especially after being exposed to all the beautiful things.
Sigh. Its back to school again tomorrow. Im not looking forward to it, especially not with Econs first thing in the morning. Another demotivating lesson.

Econs was boring til I got to the case study. For some weird reason, I was really fascinated with the Japanese economy. God! I cant believe this, im fascinated with an economy?
Yesterday, my sister wanted to practice some volleyball techniques ( yes. I have a paranoid sister, volleyball also want to practice.And what techniques? geesh.) so we were looking for a ball that we could use. But there wasnt a single one in sight. The last time I checked I had one soccer ball, one basket ball and many many squashy balls. So where the hell did all of them go. That's when I catch glimpse of Sunshine peeping out from the room at me. Probably must have been feeling guilty. Sigh. The dog.



How can you feel so loved yet so unloved at the same time?

Its weird how realisation hits when you least expect it. And the impact it leaves on you. Wow!
I have decided. Im gonna have a movie marathon this thursday night. By myself. Pathetic yes. But it will be fun. I think. Ok maybe I will get my sister to join me. Im thinking of watching, A walk to remember. Yes. I haven watched that yet. Oh and Salaam Namaste too. Like finally.

Yesterday was my cousin brother's ROM. I realised what a beautiful thing marriage is. I dont know about how beautiful things are after marriage but the whole soleminisation process was beautiful. Especially when my cousin and his wife said their vows to each other. It was really beautiful. They held hands and stared into each other's eyes, completely oblivious to all around them. It nearly moved me to tears. Ranitha however, had tears welled up in her eyes. I can understand why. It was weird seeing him get married. It just feels like yesterday when he would wave his ice-cream cone in front of my face, fully aware that I wouldnt be able eat it because of my damn cold. And just yesterday I witnessed him getting married. Sigh. Time really flies by.
Everything was going fine- touching ceremony, good food, nice music, interesting entertainment I got from sabo-ing Ranitha. But my wonderful relatives just had to make me think twice as to how the hell im related to them. Honestly, would it kill for them to stay a little longer? Everybody just wanted to eat and run home. Nobody thought about staying with my cousin. Afterall as relatives werent we supposed to stay and share the happy occasion with him?? My cousin's wife had her whole family there with her, throughout the night. At punjabi weddings or functions, nobody leaves before 12 and here I see my relatives running off at 9 plus. Its saddening. Sometimes I really wish my extended family's alot closer. We haven had a proper gathering since my uncle passed away. But now, I dont think I want that gathering. No thanks. Everyone can just go about leading their own lives.