This too will pass, wont it?

It sure does not feel like Christmas!

I hate family politics. Call yourselves family when everybody's constantly bitching about the other?! Ha! I want no part of this. Leave me out. Im pretty contented being by myself.

Far from perfect
I read through all my diaries, journals or whatever I used to call them. I had names for EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. Geesh. But im not going to reveal any of them! Not in a million years. These are the kind of things you take to the grave with you! I honestly cannot believe some of the things I wrote. Ugh. Childish would be an understatement!
But despite my dorky behavior and desperate need to get a life, I realised how much of a perfectionist I was, even right back in primary two! Like how crazy is that? For as long as I could remember, I have always wanted to be perfect. But I never got close. I always thought that there was something wrong with me. It took me some time to realise that no one is perfect and that perhaps I should give myself a break. I did. But I kinda liked the way I was back then. As weird as it may sound, I felt in control when I was on the road to being perfect.

My cousin's dog has a criminal record! I have always thought that the dog was short, fat and ugly but it didn't exactly fit the bill of a criminal. Anyhow, the noisy thing has a criminal record and that too for biting someone at the hawker centre. How unglamorous!

I guess I was wrong about you. Geesh. I feel so bad now. I don't understand one thing though. Why did you wait for almost two years to bare your heart? Why did you say all those nasty things then? To hurt me or to hurt yourself? Honestly, I have always thought the world of you. Always. But time and time again, you had to say or do something stupid. What am I supposed to think then huh? Sigh.
I know how you feel. You didn't even have to tell me. I just wished you didn't have to say it out loud. Im helpless. I really am.

This is not how I envisioned the after A's to be like- sitting at home and rotting. I would be at work now if not for that bloody medical report. Aargh!

I cleaned my room today. Again. For the umpteen time. I think I have an obsession with cleaning! I found misplaced clothes, misplaced magazines, misplaced accessories and even misplaced memories. Its funny how you never actually realise something until its much too late. There were things I wanted to do, things I had to say but I never really got down to doing it. Perhaps it was procrastination; perhaps it was because I lacked the courage, maybe even because I was embarrassed.

11 days to Christmas and 18 days to the New Year!!

My Story
She laid in bed, staring at the blank ceiling. A sudden flicker of light at the window prompted her to look furtively around the clustered room. She felt like a stranger. Even in her own room. The magnified silhouettes of her possessions looked foreign to her. She turned away from the light. She was afraid of it. It illuminated the dark room, illuminated her vulnerability.

A surge of emotions went through her. Remorse, fear, anger. She felt it all, not at all spared. It had become a nightly ritual. Almost like the bedtime story her mother used to tell her when she was younger. She missed the innocence; she missed looking in awe at her mother.

This was different. She despised the feeling. She squeezed her eyes shut as a tear rolled down the side of her perfectly chiseled nose. Perfect was something she was not. What was she doing? What did she want? She clamped her jaw tight as she felt the blood drain from her face. She didn't know. She didn't know.

I dont intend to be mean. It just happens. No. Always happens. I feel really bad about it. Yet, I do nothing. I dont even understand why I behave this way. There's only one possibility- Im fucked up.

I miss school. Badly.


Im sorry. I really am.

Maybe. Just maybe.