This too will pass, wont it?

It sure does not feel like Christmas!

I hate family politics. Call yourselves family when everybody's constantly bitching about the other?! Ha! I want no part of this. Leave me out. Im pretty contented being by myself.

Far from perfect
I read through all my diaries, journals or whatever I used to call them. I had names for EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. Geesh. But im not going to reveal any of them! Not in a million years. These are the kind of things you take to the grave with you! I honestly cannot believe some of the things I wrote. Ugh. Childish would be an understatement!
But despite my dorky behavior and desperate need to get a life, I realised how much of a perfectionist I was, even right back in primary two! Like how crazy is that? For as long as I could remember, I have always wanted to be perfect. But I never got close. I always thought that there was something wrong with me. It took me some time to realise that no one is perfect and that perhaps I should give myself a break. I did. But I kinda liked the way I was back then. As weird as it may sound, I felt in control when I was on the road to being perfect.

My cousin's dog has a criminal record! I have always thought that the dog was short, fat and ugly but it didn't exactly fit the bill of a criminal. Anyhow, the noisy thing has a criminal record and that too for biting someone at the hawker centre. How unglamorous!

I guess I was wrong about you. Geesh. I feel so bad now. I don't understand one thing though. Why did you wait for almost two years to bare your heart? Why did you say all those nasty things then? To hurt me or to hurt yourself? Honestly, I have always thought the world of you. Always. But time and time again, you had to say or do something stupid. What am I supposed to think then huh? Sigh.
I know how you feel. You didn't even have to tell me. I just wished you didn't have to say it out loud. Im helpless. I really am.

This is not how I envisioned the after A's to be like- sitting at home and rotting. I would be at work now if not for that bloody medical report. Aargh!

I cleaned my room today. Again. For the umpteen time. I think I have an obsession with cleaning! I found misplaced clothes, misplaced magazines, misplaced accessories and even misplaced memories. Its funny how you never actually realise something until its much too late. There were things I wanted to do, things I had to say but I never really got down to doing it. Perhaps it was procrastination; perhaps it was because I lacked the courage, maybe even because I was embarrassed.

11 days to Christmas and 18 days to the New Year!!

My Story
She laid in bed, staring at the blank ceiling. A sudden flicker of light at the window prompted her to look furtively around the clustered room. She felt like a stranger. Even in her own room. The magnified silhouettes of her possessions looked foreign to her. She turned away from the light. She was afraid of it. It illuminated the dark room, illuminated her vulnerability.

A surge of emotions went through her. Remorse, fear, anger. She felt it all, not at all spared. It had become a nightly ritual. Almost like the bedtime story her mother used to tell her when she was younger. She missed the innocence; she missed looking in awe at her mother.

This was different. She despised the feeling. She squeezed her eyes shut as a tear rolled down the side of her perfectly chiseled nose. Perfect was something she was not. What was she doing? What did she want? She clamped her jaw tight as she felt the blood drain from her face. She didn't know. She didn't know.

I dont intend to be mean. It just happens. No. Always happens. I feel really bad about it. Yet, I do nothing. I dont even understand why I behave this way. There's only one possibility- Im fucked up.

I miss school. Badly.


Im sorry. I really am.

Maybe. Just maybe.

I have this overwhelming urge to cut my hair into a short, chic bob. But I know im going to regret it. So im going to keep a good 50m distance between me and any salon. No more impulsive haircuts for me!


But still I miss you..

Best Friends

For the first time in a very long time, I felt really wanted yesterday. I dont usually share my feelings with my sister and neither does she. Our conversations are usually constrained to that cute blouse at Dorothy Perkins or how hot Wentworth Miller is (I swear I can look at his eyes for ever and ever). We hardly delve into the personal. And for the first time, she actually messaged me to tell me about this test she flunked. Seemingly insignificant but it meant a lot.

I desperately need to get a job! My finances are running dangerously low. I wont rest in peace until I find one!


The sparkle's fading. Sadly.

I wish

Sometimes, I wish I think with my head instead of my heart. Things will be a lot different then. A lot different. I would seriously like to stuff my overwhelming emotions into a box and send them to mars! Only then would I be able to sleep in peace.

I have this strange feeling that I screwed up my As. I studied and im pretty proud of the whole process I underwent. No regrets there. Actually I dont really care what results I get now. Im not going to expect anything nor am I going to hope for outstanding results. Whatever happens, happens. If I have to resit or go abroad, so be it.

God save me?

I really wish I can bring myself to hate you. You make me sad, you confuse me and you hurt me where it hurts the most. Honestly, I really dont give a shit what people think of me. I thought you would have known me better but obviously you dont. And that's sad. What's even sadder is when you act all chummy chummy though you still hold something against me. Its times like this when I stop and rethink the decision I made then. But then again, I dont regret what I did a year ago, it was for the better. You're happy and so am I.Isn't it about time we give things a rest?
But still, inspite of all the things that you have said and done, you'll always have a special place in my heart.

Yesterday marked the end of my structured school life. No more uniforms. No more recess. No more assemblies. Two years of my life gone just like that. I never thought I would say this but im gonna miss Nanyang. Badly. I'll miss the lovely people who have made school bearable. Sharini, Thanks for the amazing comapany you provide during econs consultations and your honest take on things. Ranitha, Thanks for the emotional support you have given me my entire life. I seriously would not have been able to survive through many things without you. Kuga, Thanks for being the older sister I never had and showing me to carry out what I believe in. Candice, Thanks for showing me how to live life. Xingjie, Thanks for the advice and your unconventional take on things. Zu, Thanks for showing me what perseverance is about and being the selfless person that you are. Dorisa, Thanks for showing me how to take pride in being different. Shufang, Thanks for allowing me to see certain things through another perspective. Hayati, Thanks for showing me what strength is really like and being the sweetie that you are. Yingxian, Thanks for the fun you have provided me with. I'll really miss you guys.

I marvel at how I can remain extremely positive even when things look bleak. Im proud of myself.

Something is missing from my life. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I hadnt said certain things that I did. I feel like eating chocolate cake. I want to strangle my sister right this very instance. I dont wanna get back to studying tomorrow.
So much for random thoughts.

Weird stuff I came across recently

Lingerie should always be red, because it incites the appetite. Its scientifically proven. (Who cares. Im not wearing any red lingerie. They remind me of the old tarts)

Parachuting kittens off a bridge is someone's idea of fun. ( What's the number for the SPCA
again. I hate people who play with animals- in the sadistic sense of course)

Being middle- class is beautiful. ( More money would be beautiful)

An old superstition- if you sewed on a Sunday when you were pregnant, your child was sure to be an idiot. ( That explains alot of things with me)

"She's really honest. You should see her strip"(stripping= being honest. Wow. That's new)

Walk through a fence and you'll miscarry ( And get your clothes torn. Not in a million years)

"Get pretty nails to scratch your boyfriend's back"(No way am I letting that manicure go to waste)

Love is weakness. ( I dont think it is. Right? It makes you feel vulnerable but its definitely not a weakness. It takes courage to love someone)

Why do I get the feeling that you want something from me? Really its darn obvious- the sudden affection. And WHY and WHERE do people get the impression that im damn havoc. Im not. Not even close. I get really amused when people think im some wild, party animal. I dont even go clubbing let alone every other night!

While looking for my maths notes, I happened to chance upon the cd Muru burnt for me. Listening to it brought a smile to my face. I miss him.
Prelims start tomorrow. I had better start praying. I studied but somehow I cant help but feel that its not enough. And im not done studying for lit or econs.

I think im going crazy. I nearly put two of my contact lens into the same eye. I nearly threw my phone instead of the sandwich wrapper into the rubbish bin. And I just nearly strangled my sister for irritating the shit out of me.
I have been swearing too much. I cant help it. Every small, seemingly insignificant thing gets to me.

Im ugly, dumb AND fat. I think im having self esteem issues or so my mother claims. Sigh.
My dad has to go for another operation. Which means he can forget about returning to his previous job. No more impulsive shopping for me or my sisters. Actually come to think of it, I haven gone shopping in a long time and I doubt I would want to. With my dad out of job, I don't think shopping's even on my mind.

I hate talking about the future when things are uncertain. Sure talks of marriage, having children, my future husband are interesting. And I dont deny that I enjoy talking about such stuff. But the thing is how many of these expectations are actually going to materialize. I used to take such talks seriously. I dreamt of the day when I would get married. I built up great hopes and expectations only to have my idealistic dreams shattered. After that I had trouble treading on hard, solid ground. Those dreams were so deeply embedded in me. Part of me still dreams of such things but im glad now there's a rational side to me. I dont want to end up disappointed again.

Went back to Bendemeer. Against my wishes. I swear I was all set to run back home upon reaching the school gate. I dont know why but as much as I enjoyed myself at Bendemeer, I just hate returning back. It was one chapter of my life. And now its over. But with that said, I cannot deny I did have fun. Met many of my classmates and yes I finally got to see Rabeeah. After goodness how long. Wished Siti could have made it but I guess im never going to be able to see her in this lifetime. Ha!
Strangely as much as I hate setting foot in Bendemeer, I feel more at home there than in Ny. The only reason why im able to tolerate Ny is because I have lovely classmates. I learnt alot in Bendemeer, beyond the textbooks- experiences and memories which will probably stay with me for life. I made a hell lot of mistakes there. Up to today, I marvel at my stupidity but atleast I learnt how to be wary of who I trust. At Bendemeer you see people from all walks of life. You hear stories you thought that only existed in storybooks. I naively thought that the horrors that occur in orphanages only existed in Oliver Twist til I met a certain friend of mine.
Up today, I still cannot give a concrete explaination why I went to Bendemeer instead of St' Margaret's but im glad i did. Im not ashamed I went to a neighbourhood school, for the experience and the memories I attained there are priceless.
And Rabeeah, better keep yourself free after my A's, we are so going out.

Yea. You are right. I dont know what's going on in your life so who was I to comment. Come to think of it, I dont know what's going on in anybody's life anymore. Not even Edlin's and to think I practically knew what the girl did for the last six years or so. Now, my life just revolves around school, my friends in school, my family and my boyfriend. Its pathetic.
Monday's my dad's eye appointment. The appointment that determines whether he has to go for another operation or not. Im keeping my fingers crossed. As much as I love my dad, I cannot take him being home for the next six months. Its depressing to watch him stare into space for hours.
Above everything else, I value sincerity the most. Im thankful that I met you. I never had to question the credibility of anything you said. They were simply put yet they meant a lot. Let's just say you set the benchmark for a lot of stuff.
I hate being sick. I think about lots of stuff. I cant help it, there's nothing else to do! And when I do try to organize my thoughts, they come out jumbled up like this.

Scandals, debates and econs.

Just yesterday when I should have been studying econs, I was thinking about how scary it is to meet the guy of your dreams after you get married. Not that I think that such a guy exists, I have long given up on finding the ideal guy.
I think such a situation is one of the worst kinds that you can ever find yourself in. Do you forsake for your family for the man of your dreams just because you feel he's the one and you share some kind of connection? What do you tell your husband? That you have met THE ONE?! Oh and if you have chidren, what happens to them? You cant possibly tell them that you are leaving your family for your 'happiness'. Which brings me to wonder what makes you so sure that you are going to be happy with the supposed man of your dreams knowing that you just left your family? Oh and the GUILT? Dont get me started on that.
Ah.. I just love internal debates. Extremely thought stimulating. Listing the consequences of inflation was a piece of cake after that.

Somebody kindly explain to me why I even bother. I dont need this unnecessary stress.
I feel like camping over somewhere. Im debating between the beach and some remote jungle- thing is I have yet to find a remote jungle.

Im cranky. I need sleep and cheesecake. NOW!

I cant help comparing. I know i shouldnt, its unfair but I honestly cant help it.
And today I had those same doubts and misgivings again. Im starting to worry. Things are definitely not looking good.

It all started with chocolate-chip mint ice-cream and now I have a craving for a million things. Donuts, Secret Recipe Cheese cakes, Eclairs, Durian cakes, Strawberry pastries, Apple pies and a whole lot of things that I cant remember now. It was too long a list. Damn my sister man. She just had to mention the chocolate-chip mint ice-cream. A trigger to my long under wrapped cravings. I need the cheesecake now. DESPERATELY.

Im afraid. Im afraid to let things take their natural course. Im afraid to hold on yet at the same time im afraid to let go.

I don't remember, I really don't. You prompt me, desperate for me to show some hint of remembrance. But there's none. I shut everything out of my memory bank a long time ago honey.

The morning was bad. Got all dressed and ready for school and then i realised that I suddenly could not breathe. And what's worst was that I could not find my damn medication. Been ages since I last saw the need to take it. sigh. The rest of day was not been any better. My eyes are puffy, my throat sore and im easily left breathless. Contemplating whether I should see the doctor.
Yesterday, I was in an impulsive mood. Thank the heavens that mood has past. Geesh. What was I thinkin? Here's what I contemplated doing,
1. Pierce my tongue. I dunno why but I thought it would be pretty cool to play with something in my mouth! God!
2. Get a tattoo. Somwhere near my hip bone. I have a weird fetish for tatoos. The only thing that's stopping me from getting one is the pain. Oh and my mother.
3. Run away to Paris and work in one of the high end boutiques. Clothes everywhere. HEAVEN!Now, I just wanna run away and be an actress. Hollywood here i come!
4. Cut my hair REAL short. But now that I think about it no. I love my hair to much. And I sure dont want my grandma questioning whether I had a sex change.

When you know that what you are doing is wrong and you carry on, does that make it more wrong??

I'll do it tomorrow, I promise

I'm a procrastinator, damn it. I procrastinate about everything from school work right down to exercising. Sigh. But that's gonna change! Or atleast I hope.
My dad's back from the hospital. Like finally. Yay! But when I get back from school, I see him reading the newspapers. Something he's not supposed to do. Sigh. When is he ever going to learn??
My feelings are becoming more evident. Im practically wearing them on my sleeve. And I HATE it! I can mask my feelings pretty well. That is only if I want to. But now, just ANYONE can read me. I like ambiguity. I like distancing myself at times. I like being in my own world. And I dont particularly appreciate it if people try to force their way through.

Im now wearing Sharini's green kebaya, looking absolutely gorgeous. Ookay that was abit of an exaggeration but yes we finally decided to wear our costumes. Finally I stress. As Sharini would say,' its the last Racial Harmony of our lives' so we thought might as well just wear those costumes.
I hate it when people suddenly put on a mask. I dont feel comfortable around them anymore. And strangely, no one else seems to notice this 'mask'. Im starting to think maybe, just maybe im letting my imagination run wild. But then again your actions speak otherwise. I know you too well and sometimes I wish I didnt know you that well.

Today was my father's eye surgery. And today was the first time I saw my strong, 'im afraid of nothing' father in pain. Deep pain. He was in such a pitiful state. As I watched him eat, I couldn't hold back my tears. He looked so vulnerable. He was like a child begging to go home. Every few minutes he would ask me when he could go home. It was extremely weird to see him in such a state. Earlier while he was in the operating theatre, I was talking to his childhood friend and I realized how much I have drifted away from my father. We hardly talk about stuff anymore. I remember how I used to spends hours listening to all the wonderful stories he used to tell me. Or how I would roll on the floor laughing at the lame things he said. And now other than ' Switch on the tv' or ' WHAT TIME YOU COMING HOME?', we hardly talk anymore. Its sad.
Tomorrow's Racial Harmony. I just hope we arent the only ones all dressed up.

I HATE PE! My entire body is aching. I cant raise my arm without wincing. Sigh. And I suddenly feel sleepy. Bet its because of the STRENUOUS pe lesson. Mmm.. Im off to sleep now.

I was trying to read my notes on normal distribution last night but nothing was getting into my head. So the wisest thing was to keep my notes away and sleep. But I couldnt get to sleep. Sigh. And so I started thinking about unnecessary stuff. Things that get to me and mess me up. Big time. I dunno why but I feel really vulnerable lately. Im crumbling inside. Everyday's such a drag. I need a hug now. Badly.

Lately, I feel so much at peace. Thankful for every single thing around me. Grateful even. Yet, there are times when I feel as if im just going to fall to pieces. Disintegrate. Like now. And the best part is I dont even know why. Sigh.
Sometimes, I wish I could grow up faster. Be of some help.
I dont care how but im gonna watch Salaam Namaste over the weekend. Its about time man.

I love 05A3

The weekend was simply fabulous. I got my much anticipated break. We had a barbeque, went swimming in our sports bra ( We didn't bring our swimming costumes) , played an interesting game of 'truth or dare', went cycling and basically just chilled lots at the beach. We really ought to do it again. Maybe after the As. California sounds good. Bet you would like that, Candice.
Today, my father went for his eye check up. Apparently, there's some complications with his previous cateract operation. Have to do a major operartion or there's a possibility of him losin his sight. Going blind is scary. Especially after being exposed to all the beautiful things.
Sigh. Its back to school again tomorrow. Im not looking forward to it, especially not with Econs first thing in the morning. Another demotivating lesson.

Econs was boring til I got to the case study. For some weird reason, I was really fascinated with the Japanese economy. God! I cant believe this, im fascinated with an economy?
Yesterday, my sister wanted to practice some volleyball techniques ( yes. I have a paranoid sister, volleyball also want to practice.And what techniques? geesh.) so we were looking for a ball that we could use. But there wasnt a single one in sight. The last time I checked I had one soccer ball, one basket ball and many many squashy balls. So where the hell did all of them go. That's when I catch glimpse of Sunshine peeping out from the room at me. Probably must have been feeling guilty. Sigh. The dog.



How can you feel so loved yet so unloved at the same time?

Its weird how realisation hits when you least expect it. And the impact it leaves on you. Wow!
I have decided. Im gonna have a movie marathon this thursday night. By myself. Pathetic yes. But it will be fun. I think. Ok maybe I will get my sister to join me. Im thinking of watching, A walk to remember. Yes. I haven watched that yet. Oh and Salaam Namaste too. Like finally.

Yesterday was my cousin brother's ROM. I realised what a beautiful thing marriage is. I dont know about how beautiful things are after marriage but the whole soleminisation process was beautiful. Especially when my cousin and his wife said their vows to each other. It was really beautiful. They held hands and stared into each other's eyes, completely oblivious to all around them. It nearly moved me to tears. Ranitha however, had tears welled up in her eyes. I can understand why. It was weird seeing him get married. It just feels like yesterday when he would wave his ice-cream cone in front of my face, fully aware that I wouldnt be able eat it because of my damn cold. And just yesterday I witnessed him getting married. Sigh. Time really flies by.
Everything was going fine- touching ceremony, good food, nice music, interesting entertainment I got from sabo-ing Ranitha. But my wonderful relatives just had to make me think twice as to how the hell im related to them. Honestly, would it kill for them to stay a little longer? Everybody just wanted to eat and run home. Nobody thought about staying with my cousin. Afterall as relatives werent we supposed to stay and share the happy occasion with him?? My cousin's wife had her whole family there with her, throughout the night. At punjabi weddings or functions, nobody leaves before 12 and here I see my relatives running off at 9 plus. Its saddening. Sometimes I really wish my extended family's alot closer. We haven had a proper gathering since my uncle passed away. But now, I dont think I want that gathering. No thanks. Everyone can just go about leading their own lives.

Im sleepy. Yawn.

Dorisa just asked me alot of questions that got me thinking about stuff. Do I regret? Honestly, I dont know. I choose to think that things happened for the better. Whether things happened for the better or the worse, I dont wanna think about it. I dont wanna think about it at all.
My lips hurt. There's this huge slit in the middle of my lower lip. Ouch!

Just finished a really screwed up econs paper. Cant believe I forgot how interest rates were determined. And it was just yesterday I read through that topic. Oh wait skimmed through it. Or would glanced through it be more appropriate? By ten yesterday night, I was hardly done with my econs revision yet I was happily singing along to the radio. This is alarming! Cause the Thulasi I know is one of the most paranoid people around. I hyperventilate easily. I get flustered most of the time. But it feels good not to worry about stuff once in awhile. Ok. Now for a mini reality check. The last time I checked, the As were 130 days away. Probably less now. In normal circumstances I would get a panic attack sometime... now. But weirdly there's no sign of it. And now its back to maths and lit. Sigh. Talk about not having a life man.
Oh! And I suddenly realised that I want to be a deejay!

Threes...
Thought I might as well amuse myself.

Three physical things you like about yourself
1. My height ( but im starting to wonder if being tall is good cause there's a shortage of cute, TALL guys )
2. My nose
3. My hair ( its subjective though)

Three physical things you dont like about yourself
1. My MINUTE eyes
2. My extremely short eyelashes ( some guys actually have longer eyelashes than me. Horrors of all horrors!)
3. My figure or rather my lack of one ( I'm much too chubby. sigh!)

Three things that scare you
1. Blanking out during the As ( I swear I will just kill myself if that happens. I ain't studying that hard just to screw everything up)
2. Death ( Not of myself dying but rather my loved ones)
3. Giving birth (Double OUCH!)

Three things that make you happy
1. Spending time with my loved ones
2. Dreaming
3. Food ( yes, ookay im abit of a glutton)

Three of your everyday essentials
1. My handphone
2. Milo
3. Hugging Sunshine

Three things you are wearing right now
1. An oversized tee
2. Shorts
3. Sweater ( my room's freezzzing)

Three things you want in a relationship
1. Trust
2. Commitment and security
3. Lots of love

Three of your favourite bands or artistes
1. Sean Paul
2. Alicia Keys ( She's HOT!)
3. I cant fit the rest into one slot

Three things you would badly like to do now
1. Sleep and not give a shit about econs
2. Cuddle up to a certain someone (*winks)
3. Go swimming

Three things about the preferred sex that appeals to you
1. His eyes ( They say alot about a person)
2. His built ( He doesnt have to have the hottest bod)
3. Sense of humour
Can I add one more..
4. A killer smile. ( That would just melt me)

Three ways you are stereotypically a boy
1. The way I sit ( my mum can go on for hours about how a girl should sit)
2. My unlady like way of stuffing food into my mouth ( though I must say I do a pretty good job acting all so poised in public)
3. My wardrobe

Three ways you are stereotypically a girl
1. I LOVE pink
2. I tend to get really stressed out if my hair isnt in its best shape
3. I like dressing up ( but only at times)

Three female celeb crushes
1. Beyonce ( The girl's just too curvy for her own good)
2. Eva Longoria ( She's pretty)
3. Jessica Alba

Three male celebs that make you go weak
1. Arjun Rampal ( Yummy!)
2. Cristiano Ronaldo
3. Dino Moreo ( The guy's super hot. Fell in love with him in Raaz)

Three things you want to do before you die
1. Tell everyone how much I love them ( Might as well do it now, Love you guys!)
2. Live like a princess ( Just for one day)
3, Set up a orphanage for both children as well as dogs ( Yea.. I know whoever heard of an orphanage for dogs)

Three things you would like to change about myself
1. My strange inability to be affectionate
2. My attempts to distance myself away from people
3. My extremely short attention span

Three people you would like to see take this
1. Ranitha
2. Rini
3. Rabeeah

EXTREMES

I feel sad. And I think I know why too. How I wish it was about the bloody maths paper but it isnt. And it was just yesterday I was feeling rather over the moon. Sigh. Its always about the extremes isnt it? I dont seem to be be able to settle for something in between. Then again it feelings- nobody gets a say in what they feel. I dont think im making sense. Sigh. I had better go get some rest before I start mugging for econs again. UGH.

When I finally muster up the courage to let things go, you start trying. Explicitly put- playing with my little head. Honestly, you puzzle me. One moment you act all so friendly and the next you act icy cold. What exactly are you tring to do- Striving for some balance?? Sigh.

No Promises
Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love. Every time you're near I feel like I'm in heaven, feeling high
I don't want to let go, girl. I just need you to know girl.
I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
Here tonight
Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love. Everytime you're near I feel like I'm in heaven, feeling high
I don't want to let go, girl. I just need you you to know girl.
I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
I don't want to run away, I want to stay forever, thru Time and Time..
No promises
I don't wanna run away, I don't wanna be alone
No Promises
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, now and forever my love
No promises
I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
Here tonight.

For some reason or another I just love this song! Been hearing it everyday.

Idealism and realism are at two ends of the spectrum right? Then why do I feel as if they are side by side. Im falling into one or the other. Im forced to be realistic, yet at times I find myself being realistic out of my own accord. Its the circumstances I guess. But whatever it is I hate being realistic. I want to dream. Live life without without a care or worry. Alas, that's not how things work. I had better get started on my econs before I get too carried away. Sigh. Reality.

Quit messing with my brain. Stop trying to make me remember the past cause I dont want to.

I dont get it. How can you at one moment think the world of one person and then the next, your perception of him changes, all because of something he said. Maybe its my fault. Its my fault for having such high expectations. That's where the disappointment starts- when you expect too much of someone and they dont live up to it. But honestly, I cant believe he said that. Its just so not him. I thought he was different but maybe I was wrong. Terribly wrong. Sigh.

Overthink

I realised whenever I'm not doing anything, I tend to think about stuff. Weird, random stuff. And drive myself insane at the same time. Stop! Thulasi STOP! Its amazing how I can complicate something so terribly simple. Sigh. Oh well. Exams start this friday and I'm so not prepared. Simply put, I'm screwed. Screwed to the max. And here I am planning what to do once the mid year's are over. Sigh.

Yesterday's shopping trip was bad. Didnt manage to find the damn clothes for the ROM. A wasted trip to town. It wasnt as if I had fun either with my mother irritating the shit out of me. I dont get it, why does she has to be so fucking judgemental. Half the time I feel as if im performing on some freaking stage. Yes, I know she's concerned and wants the best for me. But what I dont appreciate is her poking her nose into my life. Its MY life. Which part of my life doesnt she get?? I will choose the kind of friends I hang out wit. I think im old enough to do that. I dont give a shit if she thinks my friend's a slut or a jerk. She can keep her comments to herself, I'll hang out with whoever I please. And she actually thinks its ok for her to read my messages as and when she pleases. Gosh! There's a reason why its called MY phone. She doesnt even have the courtesy to ask. Sigh. But despite all these I still love her!

Im goin shopping. Yay! But first I gotta study econs. Blech! Got to balance the fun out. Sigh.

Closure

Met Muru yesterday. Finally. It was awkward but it felt good to see him after a long time. We had a good time laughing about the stupid things we did in secondary school. The meeting went better than I had expected and it wasnt as if I had a horrible time or anything like that. But when I went home I cried my heart out. The first time I ever really cried since the day we broke up. Amazingly after that, I felt better. Whatever guilt I felt just disappeared. He's happy so there's really no reason for me to be unhappy or feel guilty. There will be lapses here and there but i'll get over it. Finally, some closure.
Aargh!!!!! I HATE mugging. It sucks. And I cant believe the holidays are comin to an end. Wasn't it just yesterday the holidays started?? Cause it sure feels like it. Sigh.

You will always have a special place in my heart .

Thursday is in two days and im starting to get the cold feet. Just yesterday, I was reading the message you sent me again. Maybe the message didnt mean anything or maybe im thinking way too much but somehow I just felt weird reading it. I know you gave me all that you had to offer and I appreciate it. I need to tell you lots of stuff but im not sure if I should. I dont even know for sure whether you have moved on. I dont want you to take a step back because of what I have to say to you. Sigh. Im terribly afraid I wont be able to handle meeting you. Aargh. Why did I have to suggest it in the first place? Me and my fantastic ideas.

Im bored.

Wisdom

Usually with age people grow wiser, make less mistakes. Apparently, that's how it is. But I find myself making more mistakes, doing all the wrong things. In short, messing up my life. That too out of my own accord.

I like to think im completely detached and that I have no place for emotions at all within me. I like to act as if I dont give a shit about anything, that nothing affects me. But that's not how things work. I am affected about every damn thing that happens for the very sole reason that im human. Though at times I would like to think im some cold blooded creature. I realised that sitting on my feelings is not a good idea. I should let them out, realise its ok to cry, deal with them and then get on with things. Keeping everything inside just suffocates me. Suffocates me to the extent that sometimes for no rhyme or reason I suddenly breakdown and scare the shit out of myself.
Live here, Live now, Live in this moment.

I feel horrible. Really horrible. I feel restless and just so darn irritated. I want to be left alone, all alone. Away from everyone. But that just aint gonna happen.
A holiday to Zimbawe is what I need. Just the trees and the animals. Maybe I may even consider staying there for good!

Rudolph

I feel awful. My head hurts and my nose is all red and stuffy. I swear I can pass off as Rudolph's cousin. Lol. Ouch! Now ma throat's starting to hurt. Sigh.

Burying everything in the deepest, darkest corner of my heart was by far the stupidest thing to do. Especially, when your heart has a limited capacity. I always thought that avoiding things was the best thing to do, simply because I was afraid to face up to every darn thing. Running away from everything and pretending that they never existed was never an option. It was an option I created for myself. So maybe I should meet him. Its not going to be pleasant and im going to have lots of answering to do. And if im gonna feel like shit or cry, so be it. I brought it upon myself anyway.
On a happier note, im going out with Rabeeah and Limeng soon. Yay! Cant wait!

Fire

I'm getting boring! Geesh.
Oh and I had a phonecall from Limeng after a long time. She wanted to find out about the fire near my block. Typical of her, she did that the last time there was a robbery too. Lol. Back to the fire, apparently, someone threw a cigarette bud into the dustbin and it caught fire. There was one hell of a commotion outside my window and my nosy mum just had to join in. She calls it bonding with the neighbours. Seriously, who bothers about bonding during a fire?? And I seriously doubt the firemen needed supporters.

I realised that im a really complicated person. Yesterday, a good friend of mine messaged me, wondering if I would like to go out with him. Strangely earlier that day, I was just thinking about how nice it would be to meet him considering the fact that I haven seen him for more than a year. But upon receiving the message, my very complex brain started processing a hundred and one excuses to avoid going out with him.
Rani thinks im confused but Im not. Or atleast I dont think I am. Things just aint that simple as they appear to be. There's a whole lot of things to worry about other than the usual what the hell do I wear? Most people would call it thinking too much but I beg to differ- its called saving yourself from a whole lot of unnecessary stress and headache.
But come to think of, I kinda regret my decision now. Maybe I am confused.

Yesterday was Edlin's guitar concert and so I got the chance to meet a couple of secondary school friends. It felt good to hang out with them after a long time. I kinda missed all the times we spent together in Bendemeer. But I never want to go back to the past. Never
Whatever's the past, its gone. There's nothing I can do to change it, not that I want to though. I may have made some bad decisons then but I have no regrets whatsoever. The past is what I am today. I may not be perfect but im happy with what I am today (Ookay maybe not entirly happy but happy).
Oh and I got real irritated yesterday too. Everyone I met yesterday kept enquiring about him. How on earth would I know how he is? Im not his personal secretary. Then there was the inevitable question of what happened. I could just see it coming. Aargh. Which part of things just didnt work out dont people understand?? Fine. I admit even I didnt think things would end up like that but sometimes or rather almost always ,things are hardly in our control. Gotta learn how to live with that. It hurts but life goes on.
I desperately need chocolate ice cream. NOW.

Im tired. But I think I really need to stop slacking and get down to some serious, serious studying. There's like only 150 odd days to the dreaded As. Gulp! My maths suck, statistics is killing me. Aargh. Oh and my gp's crap. I hate facts. Give me some narrative essay to write and I will so just nail it for you. And there's so much to study for econs. Im sooo looking forward to the hols man.

My Decision

Yes, I knew that I had it all in my control. It was a make or break thing. I chose the latter...

Im tired, irritated and depressed. And to make things worse, there's econs tutorial tomorrow. Ugh! At 9. What God forsaken time is that? Aargh. And I thought I could sleep late.

Yesterday, I realised how much a simple message can mean to a person. One of my classmates had been absent from school for awhile so I sent her a message just to find out if she was ok. Her reply was rather unexpected. She was really touched cause she didnt really expect anyone from class to message her. Naturally, I felt good for having made her day.
I would blog more but im feeling rather sleepy. Think im suffering from insomnia. I cant seem to sleep at night but when I get up to study, I immediately feel sleepy. So, I go back to my bed- and I find myself staring at the ceiling once again. Sigh.

Lately, I have been a little too emotional for my liking. Yesterday was no different. I read one of the most sweetest poem ever and for some reason I felt really touched. Upon receiving it, I was close to crying but I thought, "No, Thulasi you so do not want to look like an idiot". And so thankfully I managed not to cry. But as I read the poem again at home, I couldnt stop myself. It wasnt the poem alone that made me cry, it was something else as well. Honestly, I really appreciate the fact that you put up with the crap I throw at you, my mood swings and my weird ideas. I know it isnt easy and I really appreciate it. Really.
Ok all the emotional stuff aside. Today I had one of the most fun p.e lessons ever. ( Trust me on that cause I just HATE pe! DETEST it!) We played captain's ball and though we were lagging behind by a good 17 points (kinda embarrassing though), everybody looked as if they were having fun. All I recall screaming alot at Edmund to stop stealing the ball from me, so much so that my throat hurts now. Lol. But seriously the guy's good. Looking at everyone today, I realised how much we have bonded as a class. We are so much closer than when we first got together as a class. Im so gonna miss you guys when I leave this damn school. Gosh. There I go again- getting all emotional.

For some weird reason, I couldnt sleep yesterday night. So, I decided to read Great Expectations (got 1 whole volume left. Darn!) but I ended up staring into blank space for a good hour or so. Sigh.
Sometimes I really wonder if im doin the right thing cause I just end up hurting people time and time again so much so that im beginning to be a pro at it. Maybe there's something seriously wrong with me. I dunno. I really dunno.
And I cant believe I just chose attending gp tutorial over a yummy MacDonald's breakfast. I must be mad!

My first blog entry. Feels a little weird, especially since its totally out of my character to let the whole world ( ok maybe not the whole world) know my thoughts. But I need an avenue to let stuff out.