I'm crushed. Beyond crushed actually. But I'm gonna make sure I'm gonna be fine. It's not that difficult. This has practically become my new mantra.
But the moment I think that I'm probably never going to know what's going in your life or how you're doing, I can't help but let the tears flow. Trust me, I swear I didn't know I had the capacity to be this emotional. It has always been whatever laa dee da. But this time its different.
I guess you just mean too much to me. Way too much. Oh well. I guess I'm free to bawl now. Get over things. Scream at how things are so unfair. I'm gonna take my time. But I sure wish that all this will just tide by. I love you still. Always will.
I have to thank Emiko for making things alot easier for me.

I feel miserable. So much for acting tough. There's hardly anyone to talk to either, everyone's so busy. Sigh. Suck it up Thulasi.

Bus Rides

I hate it when someone seats beside me in the bus and automatically goes to sleep. I have to practically shake the guy when my stop's nearing!! And sometimes even then they will not budge. Geesh.
Oh and sometimes the guy's practically lying on my shoulder. I have to sit extremely close to the window. It's like i'm plastered to it or something.

Pick up the pieces

I can never understand why people commit suicide. I personally don't see it as the solution to any problem let alone the ideal solution. Either yesterday or the day before, this guy I knew( though not personally) committed suicide. I don't know the exact details but I heard he did it because his girlfriend jilted him. Everyone needs to know that your life does not necessary mean that its YOUR life. It does not mean that you hold the right to it neither does it mean that you can decide when you would like to take your life. I think many a times we forget about how interconnected our lives have become with the lives of others. Everything we do affect others in some way or another. Commiting sucide ends your pain, sure. But what about the people you leave behind? Who's going to help them deal with their pain and their loss. Commiting sucide is being selfish. I have no idea what people aim to acheive out of doing it. I have no idea why he did it. Was he hoping his girlfriend will regret her decision? But even then what's the point? Nothing can be done with him gone. The girl's going to bear this immense amount of guilt and it'll probably be with her all her life. It's not her fault yes. But the guilt's ineveitable. Would someone want to do this to the person they love? And what about his family? So what if some girl ditches you, there's a gazillion others. There's no way your family can replace you. If not for yourself, think of the people whom you love. Don't put them through this.

Spring Cleaning

I'm doing spring cleaning and I think I have enough magazines to start a shop. I have tons and tons of them. I'll probably give most of them away and keep the ones I really need. There's lots of kids outside my house now rummaging through my precious books. I wanted to keep them all. But my mum thinks I'm way too old for Enid Blyton!
And I have ALOT of weird books. 6 minutes a day to perfect spelling. Gossips and the Singaporean woman and Everything a young man should know?!! Geesh. Who's even reading any of this stuff.
I'm finding it difficult to even consider. I just can't. Contrary to what everyone thinks. Hah.

I may be a bimbo

I was toying with the idea of majoring in Political Science but now I think not. Geesh in lecture I feel like a total bimbo. I'm hearing stuff about I have never heard of in my entire life. That's still relatively okay. But imagine sitting there and going, " THAT'S A COUNTRY?! I didn't know that. "I hope no one heard me say that! I know nuts about politics or current affairs!!! Time to read up. LOTS!!
I went shopping today with Devi!! I think we ate too much. And then I ran to my crush. What's the chance of that happening?! =) I wanted to strangle Devi. She had to keep turning around and craning her neck at an impossible angle!! I was trying to hide behind my ice cream. Didn't help that I had to be facing him. Aargh!!!

I have been having the weirdest dreams ever! First it was about a big, black lizard, then about this group of guys I haven't hung out with in ages and today I dreamt that I was in labour!!
I meet someone. Kinda think he's ACTUALLY quite nice. I'm thinking finally a nice guy who just wants to be nothing more than friends. ( Who was I kidding?) And then.. Let's just say he turns out to be a little bit of a weirdo.
And then there's my other friend who pulls the disappearing act on me. Yet again. I don't get it. I haven't said or done anything that may have offended him!

School's started. It's not wonderful but its not too bad either. I'll get used to it. yup.
My phone's spoilt! Yet again. My sister's convinced I'm jinxed!! Every phone I touch spoils somehow. I think its just a matter of coincidence.

I feel really frustrated!! Every single thing bugs me from my sister to some idiot to the state of my hair. I should have gone out today instead of staying home. But going out has another set of problems that I refuse to think about now. Aargh. I'm gonna sleep til 7!

Log Books and Animal Rescues
I found the dreaded log book I had to bring to school every day in secondary school! The moment I finished school, I had to get my teacher to sign the damn book. And I had to be home within 15 minutes from the time the book was signed. And that's not all. Every week I had to let the OM check the cursed book. The huniliating part was getting my teachers to sign the book in front of everyone else. And the questions that followed that! Gosh! I'm gonna burn that book now!!! Right this very instant!
Yesterday, a tiny dog fell into the canal outside my house. I think something ought to be done about the railings surrounding the canal. Animals keep falling in every two weeks or so. Animal rescues are emotionally draining. Especially when you see the little thing struggling in the water and there isn't much you can do about it. The Civil Defense took some time to get there. What's the point of sending 10 officers after the poor dog is out of the water?! They did the same darn thing with the cat. They came only after it drowned. Thank God for the man from China. He just took off his shirt and jumped in! Hurray for him!!

Bids
I hate bidding for modules!! I absolutely loathe it. I'm at my nephew's house doing the bloody bidding. The cartoon in the background and him asking me which chicken rice is better is adding to my stress!!! I can't think about chicken rice now. But I'm a little hungry though.
Now he's giving advice on which module to take! Hahah! He thinks I should take health education. It's easy apparently. Hahah. Pity there's no such module. But I'm not gonna tell him that. I can't really explain this whole system to him now. Especially since I don't really get it myself.
He's wants me to check how many people there are in the world now!! Aargh. I should have stayed home. But this is the closest I'll get to hanging out with a child. Damn the bids man. I cant fully concentrate on having fun with him.

I like all things blond!!
I'm actually kinda getting used to school. Probably even liking it. But I'm not gonna admit that to anyone anytime soon. Or wait... Did I just do that?
I'm not going to sentosa tomorrow! I don't care if there are gonna be blond surfer dudes there. I dunno where my OG got the impression that I like blond surfer dudes!! Geesh! Must have been the bus incident! Hahah. I'm not going into details about the bus incident. Too embarassing.
I saw this really cute, little blond boy during Flag Day today. Pity I couldn't understand a single thing that he was trying to say. Oh but he dropped some coins into my tin can! =)

I have lots to say but I dunno where to start so I'm just gonna settle for.... SIGH!!!

ME

No expectations= No disappointments. That's apparently the equation. Quite clear cut. I kinda expected that you weren't gonna come back. I'm just a little disappointed. Not devastated though. So do I detect a flaw in the equation somewhere? I guess I have learnt to let things out of my control be the way they are. I can't do much. What's the point of feeling bummed over it? I'm gonna go out later and enjoy myself. I still wish you were here though.
I know I should give you a chance. But at the moment I want to be the one to make myself happy. I want to be the one to wipe away my own tears. I don't want to depend on anyone. And I certainly don't want to depend on you to see me through this. I need to sort out the mess in my life alone.

Rush

I think I'm falling out with everything familiar. It's a little unsettling. I'm talking to people I usually wouldn't talk to. Doing things that I normally wouldn't be caught doing. I haven't been anywhere near familarity until yesterday when I met Kuga and Xin Jie after school. Gosh I was so happy to see them! It's not like I don't see familiar faces in school. I do. I practically know atleast 1 in 3 people from primary school, secondary school, jc, tution, first three months and goodness knows where else. It's funny how my primary school friends can still recognise me!
I haven't had much time to do much since school started. It's one thing after the next. But I'm actually enjoying the rush. Reminds me a little of secondary school where i finished school late, rush to science practicals, then to band practice and then home to finish up my work. There just wasn't any time for anything else. I kinda liked that. It left me no time to worry about anything.

Tick-tock
I tried waking up late. Taking my time in the shower. Talking to Sunshine. Did loads of channel surfing. Chewed my lunch at an extremely slow speed- The kind that will put the snails to shame. And its just 12.37 pm. Geesh will it kill to speed time up a little? I have no idea what to do next.
I know I'm being extremely stupid by remaining hopeful. But I think its worth it. I know there's lots of fish out in the water sweetheart. Thank you for reiterating that point for the hundredth time. But that's not I want. It's as simple as that.
I'm naughty? Shouldn't I have already passed that whole naughty stage?!
I have no idea what's wrong with my family. I haven't been up to anything naughty!

I lied when I said I was okay with us being this close. I knew it was going to affect our relationship somehow. And I was right. Don't get me wrong babe. I love you. But I'm more than happy to welcome the new phase of our lives that we are gonna embark on.

I’m bored

My throat's hurting really bad! I'm drinking lots of honey water. It's much better than the vile suspension my mother used to give me.
I can't believe it's only Tuesday!! I think I'll go visit my babies later. I kinda miss them.
I love my new, electric blue shorts! I'm glad my sister talked me into buying it.
I give nothing but monotonous answers and people are still interested in talking to me! I don't get it. Doesn't that already scream how uninterested I am!!
I just realized. Everything's so random. Hah.

Little bit brighter

I went to watch the Harry Potter movie yesterday. Not bad. Or maybe it was because I wasn't expecting much since I fell asleep during the last Harry Potter movie. That was hilarious. I thought I was the only one feeling sleepy but Rabeeah and LiMeng looked equally zonked out.
I'm getting used to the way things are now. It's becoming easier. Time does help. That void in my life is becoming progressively smaller. Or so I would like to think so. Yes there's still the occasional tears and there's a whole lot that I miss but I guess that's the way things are. I can't spend the rest of my life moping about something that's beyond my control. It just doesn't make sense. I think I HAVE become emotionally stronger. Haha.
There's a monkey walking around my estate. Serious. But I have yet to see it!

Little Miss Sunshine?

I dunno whether I should. Or maybe i shouldn't? I want to but and the same time I don't want to. I'm wondering what it'll be like. Awkward? Comfortable? A good mix of both?
I have successfully confused myself. Yet again.

Its raining.

Crying is kinda therapeutic! I never realised that. In this two weeks, I'm gonna try and get everything out of my system. And when school starts, no more damp pillows for me. I am sad and I will be for a long time. But I'll get over it. Or atleast never think about it again. I wish..
I melted plastic in the oven yesterday and I didn't even realize it. I'm not going into details. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking about when I put the plastic container in.
My leg is aching! I can't seem to walk properly. I suspect its something to do with the ball game yesterday.

Out I go!

I have always liked being alone. But now I just don't want to be alone at all. I'm grabbing any opportunity to get out of the house. And for once, I don't want to take my phone with me. That's definitely a first!
I wish school would begin faster. I need something to keep my mind occupied.

Your physical appearance isn't what you want it to be now, but you can change that. Rocking chairs and porches are fun, but there comes a time when you have to get off your duff and in the mix. Stir up your social life. Mingle with all types. Old flames could rekindle, or new sparks could ignite.You find kids considerably more intriguing than usual -- though that's not to say you're ready for your own! It's a good time to play with nieces or nephews or just watch kids playing in the street.
And that's supposed to be my horoscope reading for the day? I have no idea what to make of it. hah.

Raindrops keep falling on my head.

Time to say goodbye

Friday was my last day at work. I can't believe that was really my last last day! I still remember how I took up this job just to pass time until I found another job. Funny how every time I wanted to leave, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Sure it was tough and the pay did not justify the shit I had to deal with. But it a way, the whole experience was fulfilling. Very fulfilling. One thing's for sure, my patience has improved tremendously. I usually like things done chop chop. I used to get really irritated when the children took half an hour to nibble their biscuits. But now, I can deal with waiting. Just don't make me wait too long! I used to wrinkle up my nose at children who crap their pants and I cannot bear touching vomit. Now, I reach out instinctively when they want to throw up. Yup right into my cupped hands. I think when you genuinely love a person; you just love them, flaws and all. You love them even when they're covered in puke from head to toe. I love each and every one of them. And I'll miss them like hell.

My grandmother's in the hospital. I don't really like her but I went to visit her nonetheless. To my surprise, I found myself stroking her hair and trying my best to ease her pain. I didn't know I had it in me since she said a lot of hurtful stuff all my life. Just because I appear nonchalant, it does not mean that I'm not hurt. Sometimes, I just desperately wish she'll love me.

I'm getting irritated with romance novels. It's all the same- unrealistic and clinched. Either that or I'm just unromantic

I miss you. But big girls don't cry yes?

Yup
Surprisingly, I didn't feel the least bit sad today! I was just really happy in fact. I guess I'll just stick with the way things are. Atleast for now. We'll see how things go.

I hate feeling disappointed. I look forward to something, sometimes with so much fervor and enthusiasm that it surprises me. And when it doesn't exactly materialize, I hit rock bottom. I don't understand why I'm putting myself through this. Then again, I don't understand anything.
Chinese lessons are fun and I'm starting to look forward to them! I’m glad they decided to change the teacher. Looks like I still have something to look forward to.

Me myself and I

I feel weird
I feel really weird. I can't find the right word to describe how I feel. So I'm settling for something ambiguous. Yup. That's it. I feel weird.

I'm gonna be fine!

Leave me alone please.
I wish everyone would just stop poking their nose into why I have been uncommunicative. What's wrong if I don't feel like talking once in awhile? And I really wish my mum would get off my back. If I'm not hungry, quit forcing me to eat. Geesh.
It's another long day at work tomorrow. I volunteered to cover Ifah. Yes I know. I volunteered. Just thought it'll beat staying at home and idling away. But once again everyone thinks I’m trying to work myself to death. An 11 hour shift is no biggie. I'm not even tired. I wish I was though.

OUCH!
I just got scratched by my cat. ( It's not technically my cat actually. We feed it and it sleeps on my doorstep but that's about it.) Major ouch man. I felt like my finger got sliced. Never liked cats! Hhmph.
I feel like going on a holiday. Just a few days out of town. But i'm not sure if anyone's up for it. Oh well.

I want to go swimming
It's okay Thulasi, it's okay. You’ll get over it. Will I really? For the first time, I’m wishing that I have swimming lessons today. But guess what? of all days, the swimming pool had to be closed today. Under normal circumstances I would have been happy but just not today. Struggling in the water and desperately trying to hold my swimming costume up is good distraction.

I have never felt this sick in my life before.

Sigh
Ever had someone who said that they love you but they don't want to get emotionally involved. Utter bullshit. Emotions form the basis of any relationship. How on earth do you work on something if you don't want to get emotionally involved? We might as well forget it. A pity since I'm trying my best to make this work. But honestly, whatever.

I feel murderous!
You know what really irritates me the shit out of me. Parents. Not mine. But that of the sweet little children I so joyfully take care of. Boy can they really test my patience. Okay so this stupid mother calls the centre up with no intention to complain apparently. But she makes not one but three complaints. First, she insists that her daughter is wearing Joy's dress and not her own. And she wants compensation for that. Honestly, how petty can one get? Clothes get mixed up all the time at childcare centres. Even an idiot will know that. But okay fine, we look into the matter, call Joy up and her maid tells us that all her uniforms are there. Hmm. Second complain- Her daughter was wearing someone else's panty. Her daughter does not wear any panties at all. And all the teachers know that so there is no way one of teachers would have given her the panty to wear. Then she mentions that her towel is missing. But she doesn't know what colour it is. On top of this, she believes that it is our fault that her daughter contracted HFMD. My boss is convinced that all the N1 teachers are dreaming thanks to her. All this does not stop here. She calls for the second time to complain that her daughter is always looking dirty. What does she expect? They're kids. Getting dirty is what they do. Be nice to the parents and when something goes wrong, they throw shit in your face. It's a pity. I don't understand. Why couldn't she have cleared all this with us earlier instead of calling the office? From now on, its just take your child and leave. I'm not gonna waste my time being nice.

To add fuel to my foul mood, every book I pick up or every tv show I watch has something to do with a break up of some sort. Talk about coincidences. I'm gonna make it work. Or at least I'm gonna try. I think for all those times I cried, I can think of a hundred other times you have made me laugh or smile. I guess just knowing that I have you in my life, even though we may not be in the same country is good enough for me. Five minute conversations, sometimes not even enough to fit everything in, meeting you once a month or sometimes even longer than that, not knowing everything single thing that happens in your life may be difficult at times. But I guess I'm willing to make do, make the necessary changes. Anything. It's just not every day you meet the right person. And definitely not one who still makes my heart beat faster even after all this while.

I guess I'll just have to make do with the way things are currently. Hah.

Reminiscing
Been feeling a little down lately. Sigh. Thank god work keeps me busy. I suspect that's why I keep putting off the date I decide to leave. Haha. I miss my babies! I don't feel like leaving!!! I need to hear their spontaneous declarations of their love for me. I need to feel their little fingers wrapped around mine. I need to roll on the floor laughing at the silly things they say. It's therapeutic. Just six months and I'm so in love with these little stangers.
We're apart but thoughts of you keep me up all night. Hah.

My family needs a little wisdom

I'm not so sure I want to get the wisdom tooth on the left side of my mouth removed as well. Who would have thought the recovery process would really hurt?! I thought the dentist was exaggerating. The swell has gone down but my mum and sisters keep laughing and making the stupidest jokes ever (I swear!) about how funny I look. First it was Ugly Betty and now this. Heavens!

Did I mention that my family's a little weird?
I tidy up my room and my mother screams at me. I'm confused. Doesn't it work the other way? I don't clean my room and she screams at me?

My sister spotted a cockroach at the dining area and screams at the top of her lungs last night. I grab the insecticide and hop all around the room chasing it. Finally, it stops moving. Yes!! And then my sister screams. Again. Apparently, I just took a life. (Actually, I took two lives. I flushed a spider down the sink a short while before that but she doesn't have to know about that.) Then she goes on and on about how I'm not going to sleep in peace for the rest of my life.

My dear darling sister also named our stray cat Moonshine. The same way she named our BLACK, MALE dog, Sunshine. I'm starting to think my family's just really bad with names.

More Random Stuff
I had a really weird dream yesterday! I dreamt that Rabeeah, Rathi and I were playing in some netball tournament. And the best part is I woke up thinking it really happened!
Every time I read any of my magazines, the only person who rushes me through it is my sister. But now my dad does it too. He's into teen vogue and cosmo girl at the moment!
Someone can mean the world to you. But sometimes, all you want to do is keep away from that person because you know that’s the best thing for you. Yup. I'm trying to keep busy but it's not working!!

Mother's day

So finally the Mother's Day celebration in school is over! Gosh. I cannot express how relieved I feel. It felt good to come home yesterday, plop myself on the couch and do ABSOLUTELY nothing at all. I have been constantly cutting, pasting, drawing, colouring and making flowers (distorted looking ones though. Their hands are all so tiny!) from the kids' handprints for the past two weeks. All the hype, buzz and noise for a mere two hour celebration. Actually, I am quite glad it was just two hours. I had to play temporary mum to three kids whose mothers weren't there just so they will not feel left out.
I have come to realise that working with my mother has actually brought us closer. I open up more to her now and we have kinda stopped arguing over every goddamn thing. I like hanging out with her. She's like my best friend, only better. From make-up advice, to being there through break-ups, to taking time-off when I'm ill, to fixing my bad hair days, to worrying about the state of my teeth (I swear that woman has an obsession with my teeth!!), I know I can count on my mum for ANYTHIN! She's like wonderwoman. There's nothing she can't do. She always manages to save my ass. Somehow. But the thing I still cannot stand is when strangers mistake her for my older sister!! I so do hope her age-defying looks are hereditary!

Random
I love the smell of joy's hair. I know I sound like a psycho but it's really nice! She's such a doll. Such a pity she has idiotic parents. If only I could adopt her!
I need Ifah back. FAST. The kids and Targit are driving me insane! Targit is such a pain to work with. All she does is complain. Complain about the weather. Complain about the food. Complain about how much milk she has to make and how a certain little girl is a witch! Whoever calls a child a witch?!! Someone's got to teach her how to handle her fustrations man!
I'm dead bored. And when that happens I feel down. So I go shopping. Spend some money. Feel happy and all so accomplished ( for some reason). And then I feel the strain on my pocket. It's a vicious cycle I tell you.
I think I need a new friend. Rock climbing anyone?


I miss you. Badly.

Updates

I haven't had much time to bum around lately. Not that I set aside time to do so. I just usually always have time to bum around. Have to go back to work soon so I’ll make this post really quick.

1) My birthday- Sucked as usual.
2) Aunt from Australia visited- I'm the only one in my family except perhaps my dad who has yet to snap at her. She can REALLY test a person's patience. Trust me on that. There are days that I just want to wring her neck! And maybe slap her a dozen times and roll her til she is as flat as a pancake.
3) Trip to Aussie land- Cancelled. Don't even ask. I really wanted to go but what the heck. There'll always be a next time. I think.
4) Work- Work's really tiring me out. My boss is just interested in getting more and more children. The fact that we have a shortage of teachers doesn't bother her. 18 hyper HYPER HYPER children and one poor me is not a pretty sight. Especially when I have mucus on my shirt, saliva on my jeans and rice in my hair. It wouldn't be that bad if they were all a little older. But the majority of them are babies!! And thank the heavens SINDA is ending this week!

My precious little joys


Work's been tiring me out! I have some photos of my kids here. Dear old Pops was kind enough to be my photographer!


Joy and Micole- The Best Friends

My dear little joy. She’s the reason I drag myself out of bed everyday. I love her to bits! Im really gonna miss her when I leave.

Tomi Oliver!! My hyperactive darling who’s always trying to hide in the cardboard box. Why? I have no idea. He’s away in Palestine at the moment and I miss him already!

I feel like I'm part of a jigsaw puzzle- The piece that just will not fit no matter how hard you try. I know I'll never fit in. So someone explain to me please.Why am I even bothering?

I just finished preparing the Science worksheets for my Sinda students. Tough work there!
The friendship I have with a certain someone is beginning to feel like a friendship of convenience. And I think he's the only one who's finding it convenient. Calling me when he needs something has become somewhat of a reflex action for him. He only calls me when he needs help with his bloody projects or when he needs someone to go out with or when he loses his way. I seriously have nothing against helping him. Not even when I have to change my plans to accommodate his. It's just that when I need to tell him something, he goes MIA or makes some dumb, insensitive joke about it. And this happens all the time!

Sometimes, I dont have the heart to scold my kids. Especially when they turn on their charm. Little Joshua irrtated me to the max yesterday and I REALLY felt like strangling him. But obviously I couldnt do that. So I said, '' JOSHUA KONG, YOU MAKE ME REALLY ANGRY!!" To which he replied, " And you make me very happy Miss Ram".

I have puke all over me and I am not the least bit disgusted. It smells of something I cannot quite make out. =)
I am planning to keep myself really busy with all sorts of activities so I won’t really have the time to think about unnecessary stuff. I have everything covered except the time between when my head touches my pillow until the time I fall asleep. I feel horribly miserable during that dark, lonely, depressing hour.
University choices are driving me insane. I am not really sure what I want to do.

I'll be lying if I said that I am not disappointed with my grades. I am very much disappointed. But for once I didn't feel like I should have done things this way or that way. My grades may not be fantastic but I have come a long way and I am proud of that. Pulling myself out the dumps wasn't the least bit easy but I managed it. But that definitely would not have been possible without the help of some very special people. Thank you for believing in me! And now, finally some closure.

I'm disturbed. What's the chances of it happening? All I did was pass a casual remark. Hell I make casual remarks all the time. And most of the time nothing ever happens. But yesterday everything happened right on cue!
Did I mention that the parents at my centre are driving me insane! Some mother insists that I HAVE to clean her daughter's bottom with the wipes that she so graciously provided, another looks at me and asks for the teacher ( I AM the teacher damn it) and there's one particularly irritating mother who feels that her daughter's in prison!

Okay so Valentine's Day wasn't all that bad. Much better than I had expected. It was fabulous actually! I didn't see anyone who was particularly love struck and it wasn't that crowded. But I still do think Valentine's Day is a tad bit overrated.
The results are going to be out soon. My mother goes on about how it's no big deal even if I flunk the A's. But to me it is a BIG deal. I'm afraid of failing. I'm not talking about those little setbacks, small class tests or stuff like that. Major failures get to me. After I failed my grade five piano practical, I completely stopped learning the piano. It's a shame actually. I was quite good at it. I have absolutely no idea how I screwed up. But after that I was pretty sure I never ever wanted to take piano lessons again. I'm just so afraid it's going to be the same if I mess my A's up.
I'm lost.

For some reason I always feel sad on Valentine's Day. It's not because I don't have a date or anything like that. It's just one of those unexplainable things I guess. I hate going out on Valentine's Day by the way. I feel like just to walk through town; I have to battle a whole bunch of love sick couples. Ugh.
Happy Valentine's Day!

Gosh! I feel so darn stupid for falling for your sob story. I let my guard down once and people take advantage of it. Ugh. I'm disgusted. With myself.
Oh and im heartbroken, devastated and goodness knows what else. The love of my life- Wentworth Miller is gay! Or so people claim. Please tell me its not true!
And is finding a cookie jar that darn difficult???

It's weird how things turn out. What you expect never happens and what you were positive will NEVER EVER EVER happen, happens. I had nothing to lose and I secretly thought I had nothing to gain as well.Boy, wasn't I wrong! I am just glad I did what I did. I have never been happier.

I hate routines! And I am finding it difficult trying to fall into this one. I like order and all but I am finding this is a bit too much. School was supposed to be somewhat a routine but strangely I didn't feel that way at all. Things were fine the first few weeks but now I am in need of a change. A desperate change. I mean my job's pretty cool and stuff but I guess there's just so much more I want and need to see.
I forgive and forget too easily? I don't know about the forgiving part but I don't think I forget that easily. I haven't forgotten any particularly significant incident. I don't forget. I just don't talk about it. I don't see the need to.

I'm the biggest worrywart ever. Those sleepless nights are here to stay.

Why do I get so upset over stupid and yes even insignificant things? Honestly, I don't care who you're going out with or who you're attached to. I think im just a little upset over the fact that you lied. But im way upset over something else. And I you know damn well what it is. Sigh. Im way over it now.
Every time, I think of the damn A level results, I get this really nauseous feeling. Sigh. I don't want to retake the A's again. I will just die! I think it's the cruelest form of torture ever. Please God, have some mercy!

It's all about taking chances huh? What happens if you are wrong? Or better still, how would you ever know if you are right?
Im dead bored.

Its no game but its starting to sound like one.

I love my job! Everyday's a surprise- from the brilliantly engineered lies as to who punched who to the random hugs and kisses. I actually feel loved by total strangers. It's an amazing feeling. I love being around them. They aren't pretentious; they don't judge you and they love you for who you are. Of course there are the downsides to the job as well. It pains me to see the autistic kids struggle. Half the time I feel like running over to hug them, assure them that things are going be okay. The sad truth- life will always be more of a struggle for them than it is for us.

I love you.

Im gonna play safe and keep my distance. Why get my little head all muddled up yet again? I dont need this and neither do you. So its settled! Besties we shall not be!

2007. Finally. A whole new beginning. No more lugging around emotional baggage- kicked it all right out of the door. No more hanging onto friends who dont give a shit about me. No more feeing sorry for myself. No more hiding behind lies made up by yours truly.
No more pretending or rather trying to pretend im someone else- someone with a nice picture perfect life.
Ahh.. Im liking the new year already. I feel so much lighter and so much happier!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This too will pass, wont it?

It sure does not feel like Christmas!

I hate family politics. Call yourselves family when everybody's constantly bitching about the other?! Ha! I want no part of this. Leave me out. Im pretty contented being by myself.

Far from perfect
I read through all my diaries, journals or whatever I used to call them. I had names for EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. Geesh. But im not going to reveal any of them! Not in a million years. These are the kind of things you take to the grave with you! I honestly cannot believe some of the things I wrote. Ugh. Childish would be an understatement!
But despite my dorky behavior and desperate need to get a life, I realised how much of a perfectionist I was, even right back in primary two! Like how crazy is that? For as long as I could remember, I have always wanted to be perfect. But I never got close. I always thought that there was something wrong with me. It took me some time to realise that no one is perfect and that perhaps I should give myself a break. I did. But I kinda liked the way I was back then. As weird as it may sound, I felt in control when I was on the road to being perfect.

My cousin's dog has a criminal record! I have always thought that the dog was short, fat and ugly but it didn't exactly fit the bill of a criminal. Anyhow, the noisy thing has a criminal record and that too for biting someone at the hawker centre. How unglamorous!

I guess I was wrong about you. Geesh. I feel so bad now. I don't understand one thing though. Why did you wait for almost two years to bare your heart? Why did you say all those nasty things then? To hurt me or to hurt yourself? Honestly, I have always thought the world of you. Always. But time and time again, you had to say or do something stupid. What am I supposed to think then huh? Sigh.
I know how you feel. You didn't even have to tell me. I just wished you didn't have to say it out loud. Im helpless. I really am.

This is not how I envisioned the after A's to be like- sitting at home and rotting. I would be at work now if not for that bloody medical report. Aargh!

I cleaned my room today. Again. For the umpteen time. I think I have an obsession with cleaning! I found misplaced clothes, misplaced magazines, misplaced accessories and even misplaced memories. Its funny how you never actually realise something until its much too late. There were things I wanted to do, things I had to say but I never really got down to doing it. Perhaps it was procrastination; perhaps it was because I lacked the courage, maybe even because I was embarrassed.

11 days to Christmas and 18 days to the New Year!!

My Story
She laid in bed, staring at the blank ceiling. A sudden flicker of light at the window prompted her to look furtively around the clustered room. She felt like a stranger. Even in her own room. The magnified silhouettes of her possessions looked foreign to her. She turned away from the light. She was afraid of it. It illuminated the dark room, illuminated her vulnerability.

A surge of emotions went through her. Remorse, fear, anger. She felt it all, not at all spared. It had become a nightly ritual. Almost like the bedtime story her mother used to tell her when she was younger. She missed the innocence; she missed looking in awe at her mother.

This was different. She despised the feeling. She squeezed her eyes shut as a tear rolled down the side of her perfectly chiseled nose. Perfect was something she was not. What was she doing? What did she want? She clamped her jaw tight as she felt the blood drain from her face. She didn't know. She didn't know.

I dont intend to be mean. It just happens. No. Always happens. I feel really bad about it. Yet, I do nothing. I dont even understand why I behave this way. There's only one possibility- Im fucked up.

I miss school. Badly.


Im sorry. I really am.

Maybe. Just maybe.

I have this overwhelming urge to cut my hair into a short, chic bob. But I know im going to regret it. So im going to keep a good 50m distance between me and any salon. No more impulsive haircuts for me!


But still I miss you..

Best Friends

For the first time in a very long time, I felt really wanted yesterday. I dont usually share my feelings with my sister and neither does she. Our conversations are usually constrained to that cute blouse at Dorothy Perkins or how hot Wentworth Miller is (I swear I can look at his eyes for ever and ever). We hardly delve into the personal. And for the first time, she actually messaged me to tell me about this test she flunked. Seemingly insignificant but it meant a lot.

I desperately need to get a job! My finances are running dangerously low. I wont rest in peace until I find one!


The sparkle's fading. Sadly.

I wish

Sometimes, I wish I think with my head instead of my heart. Things will be a lot different then. A lot different. I would seriously like to stuff my overwhelming emotions into a box and send them to mars! Only then would I be able to sleep in peace.

I have this strange feeling that I screwed up my As. I studied and im pretty proud of the whole process I underwent. No regrets there. Actually I dont really care what results I get now. Im not going to expect anything nor am I going to hope for outstanding results. Whatever happens, happens. If I have to resit or go abroad, so be it.

God save me?

I really wish I can bring myself to hate you. You make me sad, you confuse me and you hurt me where it hurts the most. Honestly, I really dont give a shit what people think of me. I thought you would have known me better but obviously you dont. And that's sad. What's even sadder is when you act all chummy chummy though you still hold something against me. Its times like this when I stop and rethink the decision I made then. But then again, I dont regret what I did a year ago, it was for the better. You're happy and so am I.Isn't it about time we give things a rest?
But still, inspite of all the things that you have said and done, you'll always have a special place in my heart.

Yesterday marked the end of my structured school life. No more uniforms. No more recess. No more assemblies. Two years of my life gone just like that. I never thought I would say this but im gonna miss Nanyang. Badly. I'll miss the lovely people who have made school bearable. Sharini, Thanks for the amazing comapany you provide during econs consultations and your honest take on things. Ranitha, Thanks for the emotional support you have given me my entire life. I seriously would not have been able to survive through many things without you. Kuga, Thanks for being the older sister I never had and showing me to carry out what I believe in. Candice, Thanks for showing me how to live life. Xingjie, Thanks for the advice and your unconventional take on things. Zu, Thanks for showing me what perseverance is about and being the selfless person that you are. Dorisa, Thanks for showing me how to take pride in being different. Shufang, Thanks for allowing me to see certain things through another perspective. Hayati, Thanks for showing me what strength is really like and being the sweetie that you are. Yingxian, Thanks for the fun you have provided me with. I'll really miss you guys.

I marvel at how I can remain extremely positive even when things look bleak. Im proud of myself.

Something is missing from my life. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I hadnt said certain things that I did. I feel like eating chocolate cake. I want to strangle my sister right this very instance. I dont wanna get back to studying tomorrow.
So much for random thoughts.

Weird stuff I came across recently

Lingerie should always be red, because it incites the appetite. Its scientifically proven. (Who cares. Im not wearing any red lingerie. They remind me of the old tarts)

Parachuting kittens off a bridge is someone's idea of fun. ( What's the number for the SPCA
again. I hate people who play with animals- in the sadistic sense of course)

Being middle- class is beautiful. ( More money would be beautiful)

An old superstition- if you sewed on a Sunday when you were pregnant, your child was sure to be an idiot. ( That explains alot of things with me)

"She's really honest. You should see her strip"(stripping= being honest. Wow. That's new)

Walk through a fence and you'll miscarry ( And get your clothes torn. Not in a million years)

"Get pretty nails to scratch your boyfriend's back"(No way am I letting that manicure go to waste)

Love is weakness. ( I dont think it is. Right? It makes you feel vulnerable but its definitely not a weakness. It takes courage to love someone)

Why do I get the feeling that you want something from me? Really its darn obvious- the sudden affection. And WHY and WHERE do people get the impression that im damn havoc. Im not. Not even close. I get really amused when people think im some wild, party animal. I dont even go clubbing let alone every other night!

While looking for my maths notes, I happened to chance upon the cd Muru burnt for me. Listening to it brought a smile to my face. I miss him.
Prelims start tomorrow. I had better start praying. I studied but somehow I cant help but feel that its not enough. And im not done studying for lit or econs.

I think im going crazy. I nearly put two of my contact lens into the same eye. I nearly threw my phone instead of the sandwich wrapper into the rubbish bin. And I just nearly strangled my sister for irritating the shit out of me.
I have been swearing too much. I cant help it. Every small, seemingly insignificant thing gets to me.

Im ugly, dumb AND fat. I think im having self esteem issues or so my mother claims. Sigh.
My dad has to go for another operation. Which means he can forget about returning to his previous job. No more impulsive shopping for me or my sisters. Actually come to think of it, I haven gone shopping in a long time and I doubt I would want to. With my dad out of job, I don't think shopping's even on my mind.

I hate talking about the future when things are uncertain. Sure talks of marriage, having children, my future husband are interesting. And I dont deny that I enjoy talking about such stuff. But the thing is how many of these expectations are actually going to materialize. I used to take such talks seriously. I dreamt of the day when I would get married. I built up great hopes and expectations only to have my idealistic dreams shattered. After that I had trouble treading on hard, solid ground. Those dreams were so deeply embedded in me. Part of me still dreams of such things but im glad now there's a rational side to me. I dont want to end up disappointed again.

Went back to Bendemeer. Against my wishes. I swear I was all set to run back home upon reaching the school gate. I dont know why but as much as I enjoyed myself at Bendemeer, I just hate returning back. It was one chapter of my life. And now its over. But with that said, I cannot deny I did have fun. Met many of my classmates and yes I finally got to see Rabeeah. After goodness how long. Wished Siti could have made it but I guess im never going to be able to see her in this lifetime. Ha!
Strangely as much as I hate setting foot in Bendemeer, I feel more at home there than in Ny. The only reason why im able to tolerate Ny is because I have lovely classmates. I learnt alot in Bendemeer, beyond the textbooks- experiences and memories which will probably stay with me for life. I made a hell lot of mistakes there. Up to today, I marvel at my stupidity but atleast I learnt how to be wary of who I trust. At Bendemeer you see people from all walks of life. You hear stories you thought that only existed in storybooks. I naively thought that the horrors that occur in orphanages only existed in Oliver Twist til I met a certain friend of mine.
Up today, I still cannot give a concrete explaination why I went to Bendemeer instead of St' Margaret's but im glad i did. Im not ashamed I went to a neighbourhood school, for the experience and the memories I attained there are priceless.
And Rabeeah, better keep yourself free after my A's, we are so going out.

Yea. You are right. I dont know what's going on in your life so who was I to comment. Come to think of it, I dont know what's going on in anybody's life anymore. Not even Edlin's and to think I practically knew what the girl did for the last six years or so. Now, my life just revolves around school, my friends in school, my family and my boyfriend. Its pathetic.
Monday's my dad's eye appointment. The appointment that determines whether he has to go for another operation or not. Im keeping my fingers crossed. As much as I love my dad, I cannot take him being home for the next six months. Its depressing to watch him stare into space for hours.
Above everything else, I value sincerity the most. Im thankful that I met you. I never had to question the credibility of anything you said. They were simply put yet they meant a lot. Let's just say you set the benchmark for a lot of stuff.
I hate being sick. I think about lots of stuff. I cant help it, there's nothing else to do! And when I do try to organize my thoughts, they come out jumbled up like this.

Scandals, debates and econs.

Just yesterday when I should have been studying econs, I was thinking about how scary it is to meet the guy of your dreams after you get married. Not that I think that such a guy exists, I have long given up on finding the ideal guy.
I think such a situation is one of the worst kinds that you can ever find yourself in. Do you forsake for your family for the man of your dreams just because you feel he's the one and you share some kind of connection? What do you tell your husband? That you have met THE ONE?! Oh and if you have chidren, what happens to them? You cant possibly tell them that you are leaving your family for your 'happiness'. Which brings me to wonder what makes you so sure that you are going to be happy with the supposed man of your dreams knowing that you just left your family? Oh and the GUILT? Dont get me started on that.
Ah.. I just love internal debates. Extremely thought stimulating. Listing the consequences of inflation was a piece of cake after that.

Somebody kindly explain to me why I even bother. I dont need this unnecessary stress.
I feel like camping over somewhere. Im debating between the beach and some remote jungle- thing is I have yet to find a remote jungle.

Im cranky. I need sleep and cheesecake. NOW!

I cant help comparing. I know i shouldnt, its unfair but I honestly cant help it.
And today I had those same doubts and misgivings again. Im starting to worry. Things are definitely not looking good.

It all started with chocolate-chip mint ice-cream and now I have a craving for a million things. Donuts, Secret Recipe Cheese cakes, Eclairs, Durian cakes, Strawberry pastries, Apple pies and a whole lot of things that I cant remember now. It was too long a list. Damn my sister man. She just had to mention the chocolate-chip mint ice-cream. A trigger to my long under wrapped cravings. I need the cheesecake now. DESPERATELY.

Im afraid. Im afraid to let things take their natural course. Im afraid to hold on yet at the same time im afraid to let go.

I don't remember, I really don't. You prompt me, desperate for me to show some hint of remembrance. But there's none. I shut everything out of my memory bank a long time ago honey.

The morning was bad. Got all dressed and ready for school and then i realised that I suddenly could not breathe. And what's worst was that I could not find my damn medication. Been ages since I last saw the need to take it. sigh. The rest of day was not been any better. My eyes are puffy, my throat sore and im easily left breathless. Contemplating whether I should see the doctor.
Yesterday, I was in an impulsive mood. Thank the heavens that mood has past. Geesh. What was I thinkin? Here's what I contemplated doing,
1. Pierce my tongue. I dunno why but I thought it would be pretty cool to play with something in my mouth! God!
2. Get a tattoo. Somwhere near my hip bone. I have a weird fetish for tatoos. The only thing that's stopping me from getting one is the pain. Oh and my mother.
3. Run away to Paris and work in one of the high end boutiques. Clothes everywhere. HEAVEN!Now, I just wanna run away and be an actress. Hollywood here i come!
4. Cut my hair REAL short. But now that I think about it no. I love my hair to much. And I sure dont want my grandma questioning whether I had a sex change.

When you know that what you are doing is wrong and you carry on, does that make it more wrong??

I'll do it tomorrow, I promise

I'm a procrastinator, damn it. I procrastinate about everything from school work right down to exercising. Sigh. But that's gonna change! Or atleast I hope.
My dad's back from the hospital. Like finally. Yay! But when I get back from school, I see him reading the newspapers. Something he's not supposed to do. Sigh. When is he ever going to learn??
My feelings are becoming more evident. Im practically wearing them on my sleeve. And I HATE it! I can mask my feelings pretty well. That is only if I want to. But now, just ANYONE can read me. I like ambiguity. I like distancing myself at times. I like being in my own world. And I dont particularly appreciate it if people try to force their way through.

Im now wearing Sharini's green kebaya, looking absolutely gorgeous. Ookay that was abit of an exaggeration but yes we finally decided to wear our costumes. Finally I stress. As Sharini would say,' its the last Racial Harmony of our lives' so we thought might as well just wear those costumes.
I hate it when people suddenly put on a mask. I dont feel comfortable around them anymore. And strangely, no one else seems to notice this 'mask'. Im starting to think maybe, just maybe im letting my imagination run wild. But then again your actions speak otherwise. I know you too well and sometimes I wish I didnt know you that well.

Today was my father's eye surgery. And today was the first time I saw my strong, 'im afraid of nothing' father in pain. Deep pain. He was in such a pitiful state. As I watched him eat, I couldn't hold back my tears. He looked so vulnerable. He was like a child begging to go home. Every few minutes he would ask me when he could go home. It was extremely weird to see him in such a state. Earlier while he was in the operating theatre, I was talking to his childhood friend and I realized how much I have drifted away from my father. We hardly talk about stuff anymore. I remember how I used to spends hours listening to all the wonderful stories he used to tell me. Or how I would roll on the floor laughing at the lame things he said. And now other than ' Switch on the tv' or ' WHAT TIME YOU COMING HOME?', we hardly talk anymore. Its sad.
Tomorrow's Racial Harmony. I just hope we arent the only ones all dressed up.

I HATE PE! My entire body is aching. I cant raise my arm without wincing. Sigh. And I suddenly feel sleepy. Bet its because of the STRENUOUS pe lesson. Mmm.. Im off to sleep now.

I was trying to read my notes on normal distribution last night but nothing was getting into my head. So the wisest thing was to keep my notes away and sleep. But I couldnt get to sleep. Sigh. And so I started thinking about unnecessary stuff. Things that get to me and mess me up. Big time. I dunno why but I feel really vulnerable lately. Im crumbling inside. Everyday's such a drag. I need a hug now. Badly.

Lately, I feel so much at peace. Thankful for every single thing around me. Grateful even. Yet, there are times when I feel as if im just going to fall to pieces. Disintegrate. Like now. And the best part is I dont even know why. Sigh.
Sometimes, I wish I could grow up faster. Be of some help.
I dont care how but im gonna watch Salaam Namaste over the weekend. Its about time man.

I love 05A3

The weekend was simply fabulous. I got my much anticipated break. We had a barbeque, went swimming in our sports bra ( We didn't bring our swimming costumes) , played an interesting game of 'truth or dare', went cycling and basically just chilled lots at the beach. We really ought to do it again. Maybe after the As. California sounds good. Bet you would like that, Candice.
Today, my father went for his eye check up. Apparently, there's some complications with his previous cateract operation. Have to do a major operartion or there's a possibility of him losin his sight. Going blind is scary. Especially after being exposed to all the beautiful things.
Sigh. Its back to school again tomorrow. Im not looking forward to it, especially not with Econs first thing in the morning. Another demotivating lesson.

Econs was boring til I got to the case study. For some weird reason, I was really fascinated with the Japanese economy. God! I cant believe this, im fascinated with an economy?
Yesterday, my sister wanted to practice some volleyball techniques ( yes. I have a paranoid sister, volleyball also want to practice.And what techniques? geesh.) so we were looking for a ball that we could use. But there wasnt a single one in sight. The last time I checked I had one soccer ball, one basket ball and many many squashy balls. So where the hell did all of them go. That's when I catch glimpse of Sunshine peeping out from the room at me. Probably must have been feeling guilty. Sigh. The dog.



How can you feel so loved yet so unloved at the same time?

Its weird how realisation hits when you least expect it. And the impact it leaves on you. Wow!
I have decided. Im gonna have a movie marathon this thursday night. By myself. Pathetic yes. But it will be fun. I think. Ok maybe I will get my sister to join me. Im thinking of watching, A walk to remember. Yes. I haven watched that yet. Oh and Salaam Namaste too. Like finally.

Yesterday was my cousin brother's ROM. I realised what a beautiful thing marriage is. I dont know about how beautiful things are after marriage but the whole soleminisation process was beautiful. Especially when my cousin and his wife said their vows to each other. It was really beautiful. They held hands and stared into each other's eyes, completely oblivious to all around them. It nearly moved me to tears. Ranitha however, had tears welled up in her eyes. I can understand why. It was weird seeing him get married. It just feels like yesterday when he would wave his ice-cream cone in front of my face, fully aware that I wouldnt be able eat it because of my damn cold. And just yesterday I witnessed him getting married. Sigh. Time really flies by.
Everything was going fine- touching ceremony, good food, nice music, interesting entertainment I got from sabo-ing Ranitha. But my wonderful relatives just had to make me think twice as to how the hell im related to them. Honestly, would it kill for them to stay a little longer? Everybody just wanted to eat and run home. Nobody thought about staying with my cousin. Afterall as relatives werent we supposed to stay and share the happy occasion with him?? My cousin's wife had her whole family there with her, throughout the night. At punjabi weddings or functions, nobody leaves before 12 and here I see my relatives running off at 9 plus. Its saddening. Sometimes I really wish my extended family's alot closer. We haven had a proper gathering since my uncle passed away. But now, I dont think I want that gathering. No thanks. Everyone can just go about leading their own lives.