I feel the need to be comforted. And the only person whom I derive comfort from is not quite there anymore. And even if he was around I doubt I would want to run into his arms. I'm not weak. Toughen up then Thulasi.
I'm terribly afraid to put myself out there again. I overestimated my ability to distangle myself from all of this. Fuck.
I feel like I need to hold back, not give it my all, not wait earnestly for calls, not hope, not dream, not wish, not love.
But time and time again, I find myself waiting by my bloody phone. I check whether my ringtone is at its loudest. Place it under my pillow and attempt to sleep. Wake up every now and then in the night just to check my phone. Wonder what happened to him. Probably busy I decide. Squeeze my eyes tight and force myself back to sleep. Doesn't work. I repeatedly tell myself how strong I am. I hold on to anything I can, be it the cards, messages or the shirt I so love to go to bed in.
This was what I was so afraid of.