When you know that what you are doing is wrong and you carry on, does that make it more wrong??

I'll do it tomorrow, I promise

I'm a procrastinator, damn it. I procrastinate about everything from school work right down to exercising. Sigh. But that's gonna change! Or atleast I hope.
My dad's back from the hospital. Like finally. Yay! But when I get back from school, I see him reading the newspapers. Something he's not supposed to do. Sigh. When is he ever going to learn??
My feelings are becoming more evident. Im practically wearing them on my sleeve. And I HATE it! I can mask my feelings pretty well. That is only if I want to. But now, just ANYONE can read me. I like ambiguity. I like distancing myself at times. I like being in my own world. And I dont particularly appreciate it if people try to force their way through.

Im now wearing Sharini's green kebaya, looking absolutely gorgeous. Ookay that was abit of an exaggeration but yes we finally decided to wear our costumes. Finally I stress. As Sharini would say,' its the last Racial Harmony of our lives' so we thought might as well just wear those costumes.
I hate it when people suddenly put on a mask. I dont feel comfortable around them anymore. And strangely, no one else seems to notice this 'mask'. Im starting to think maybe, just maybe im letting my imagination run wild. But then again your actions speak otherwise. I know you too well and sometimes I wish I didnt know you that well.

Today was my father's eye surgery. And today was the first time I saw my strong, 'im afraid of nothing' father in pain. Deep pain. He was in such a pitiful state. As I watched him eat, I couldn't hold back my tears. He looked so vulnerable. He was like a child begging to go home. Every few minutes he would ask me when he could go home. It was extremely weird to see him in such a state. Earlier while he was in the operating theatre, I was talking to his childhood friend and I realized how much I have drifted away from my father. We hardly talk about stuff anymore. I remember how I used to spends hours listening to all the wonderful stories he used to tell me. Or how I would roll on the floor laughing at the lame things he said. And now other than ' Switch on the tv' or ' WHAT TIME YOU COMING HOME?', we hardly talk anymore. Its sad.
Tomorrow's Racial Harmony. I just hope we arent the only ones all dressed up.

I HATE PE! My entire body is aching. I cant raise my arm without wincing. Sigh. And I suddenly feel sleepy. Bet its because of the STRENUOUS pe lesson. Mmm.. Im off to sleep now.

I was trying to read my notes on normal distribution last night but nothing was getting into my head. So the wisest thing was to keep my notes away and sleep. But I couldnt get to sleep. Sigh. And so I started thinking about unnecessary stuff. Things that get to me and mess me up. Big time. I dunno why but I feel really vulnerable lately. Im crumbling inside. Everyday's such a drag. I need a hug now. Badly.

Lately, I feel so much at peace. Thankful for every single thing around me. Grateful even. Yet, there are times when I feel as if im just going to fall to pieces. Disintegrate. Like now. And the best part is I dont even know why. Sigh.
Sometimes, I wish I could grow up faster. Be of some help.
I dont care how but im gonna watch Salaam Namaste over the weekend. Its about time man.

I love 05A3

The weekend was simply fabulous. I got my much anticipated break. We had a barbeque, went swimming in our sports bra ( We didn't bring our swimming costumes) , played an interesting game of 'truth or dare', went cycling and basically just chilled lots at the beach. We really ought to do it again. Maybe after the As. California sounds good. Bet you would like that, Candice.
Today, my father went for his eye check up. Apparently, there's some complications with his previous cateract operation. Have to do a major operartion or there's a possibility of him losin his sight. Going blind is scary. Especially after being exposed to all the beautiful things.
Sigh. Its back to school again tomorrow. Im not looking forward to it, especially not with Econs first thing in the morning. Another demotivating lesson.

Econs was boring til I got to the case study. For some weird reason, I was really fascinated with the Japanese economy. God! I cant believe this, im fascinated with an economy?
Yesterday, my sister wanted to practice some volleyball techniques ( yes. I have a paranoid sister, volleyball also want to practice.And what techniques? geesh.) so we were looking for a ball that we could use. But there wasnt a single one in sight. The last time I checked I had one soccer ball, one basket ball and many many squashy balls. So where the hell did all of them go. That's when I catch glimpse of Sunshine peeping out from the room at me. Probably must have been feeling guilty. Sigh. The dog.



How can you feel so loved yet so unloved at the same time?

Its weird how realisation hits when you least expect it. And the impact it leaves on you. Wow!
I have decided. Im gonna have a movie marathon this thursday night. By myself. Pathetic yes. But it will be fun. I think. Ok maybe I will get my sister to join me. Im thinking of watching, A walk to remember. Yes. I haven watched that yet. Oh and Salaam Namaste too. Like finally.

Yesterday was my cousin brother's ROM. I realised what a beautiful thing marriage is. I dont know about how beautiful things are after marriage but the whole soleminisation process was beautiful. Especially when my cousin and his wife said their vows to each other. It was really beautiful. They held hands and stared into each other's eyes, completely oblivious to all around them. It nearly moved me to tears. Ranitha however, had tears welled up in her eyes. I can understand why. It was weird seeing him get married. It just feels like yesterday when he would wave his ice-cream cone in front of my face, fully aware that I wouldnt be able eat it because of my damn cold. And just yesterday I witnessed him getting married. Sigh. Time really flies by.
Everything was going fine- touching ceremony, good food, nice music, interesting entertainment I got from sabo-ing Ranitha. But my wonderful relatives just had to make me think twice as to how the hell im related to them. Honestly, would it kill for them to stay a little longer? Everybody just wanted to eat and run home. Nobody thought about staying with my cousin. Afterall as relatives werent we supposed to stay and share the happy occasion with him?? My cousin's wife had her whole family there with her, throughout the night. At punjabi weddings or functions, nobody leaves before 12 and here I see my relatives running off at 9 plus. Its saddening. Sometimes I really wish my extended family's alot closer. We haven had a proper gathering since my uncle passed away. But now, I dont think I want that gathering. No thanks. Everyone can just go about leading their own lives.

Im sleepy. Yawn.

Dorisa just asked me alot of questions that got me thinking about stuff. Do I regret? Honestly, I dont know. I choose to think that things happened for the better. Whether things happened for the better or the worse, I dont wanna think about it. I dont wanna think about it at all.
My lips hurt. There's this huge slit in the middle of my lower lip. Ouch!

Just finished a really screwed up econs paper. Cant believe I forgot how interest rates were determined. And it was just yesterday I read through that topic. Oh wait skimmed through it. Or would glanced through it be more appropriate? By ten yesterday night, I was hardly done with my econs revision yet I was happily singing along to the radio. This is alarming! Cause the Thulasi I know is one of the most paranoid people around. I hyperventilate easily. I get flustered most of the time. But it feels good not to worry about stuff once in awhile. Ok. Now for a mini reality check. The last time I checked, the As were 130 days away. Probably less now. In normal circumstances I would get a panic attack sometime... now. But weirdly there's no sign of it. And now its back to maths and lit. Sigh. Talk about not having a life man.
Oh! And I suddenly realised that I want to be a deejay!

Threes...
Thought I might as well amuse myself.

Three physical things you like about yourself
1. My height ( but im starting to wonder if being tall is good cause there's a shortage of cute, TALL guys )
2. My nose
3. My hair ( its subjective though)

Three physical things you dont like about yourself
1. My MINUTE eyes
2. My extremely short eyelashes ( some guys actually have longer eyelashes than me. Horrors of all horrors!)
3. My figure or rather my lack of one ( I'm much too chubby. sigh!)

Three things that scare you
1. Blanking out during the As ( I swear I will just kill myself if that happens. I ain't studying that hard just to screw everything up)
2. Death ( Not of myself dying but rather my loved ones)
3. Giving birth (Double OUCH!)

Three things that make you happy
1. Spending time with my loved ones
2. Dreaming
3. Food ( yes, ookay im abit of a glutton)

Three of your everyday essentials
1. My handphone
2. Milo
3. Hugging Sunshine

Three things you are wearing right now
1. An oversized tee
2. Shorts
3. Sweater ( my room's freezzzing)

Three things you want in a relationship
1. Trust
2. Commitment and security
3. Lots of love

Three of your favourite bands or artistes
1. Sean Paul
2. Alicia Keys ( She's HOT!)
3. I cant fit the rest into one slot

Three things you would badly like to do now
1. Sleep and not give a shit about econs
2. Cuddle up to a certain someone (*winks)
3. Go swimming

Three things about the preferred sex that appeals to you
1. His eyes ( They say alot about a person)
2. His built ( He doesnt have to have the hottest bod)
3. Sense of humour
Can I add one more..
4. A killer smile. ( That would just melt me)

Three ways you are stereotypically a boy
1. The way I sit ( my mum can go on for hours about how a girl should sit)
2. My unlady like way of stuffing food into my mouth ( though I must say I do a pretty good job acting all so poised in public)
3. My wardrobe

Three ways you are stereotypically a girl
1. I LOVE pink
2. I tend to get really stressed out if my hair isnt in its best shape
3. I like dressing up ( but only at times)

Three female celeb crushes
1. Beyonce ( The girl's just too curvy for her own good)
2. Eva Longoria ( She's pretty)
3. Jessica Alba

Three male celebs that make you go weak
1. Arjun Rampal ( Yummy!)
2. Cristiano Ronaldo
3. Dino Moreo ( The guy's super hot. Fell in love with him in Raaz)

Three things you want to do before you die
1. Tell everyone how much I love them ( Might as well do it now, Love you guys!)
2. Live like a princess ( Just for one day)
3, Set up a orphanage for both children as well as dogs ( Yea.. I know whoever heard of an orphanage for dogs)

Three things you would like to change about myself
1. My strange inability to be affectionate
2. My attempts to distance myself away from people
3. My extremely short attention span

Three people you would like to see take this
1. Ranitha
2. Rini
3. Rabeeah

EXTREMES

I feel sad. And I think I know why too. How I wish it was about the bloody maths paper but it isnt. And it was just yesterday I was feeling rather over the moon. Sigh. Its always about the extremes isnt it? I dont seem to be be able to settle for something in between. Then again it feelings- nobody gets a say in what they feel. I dont think im making sense. Sigh. I had better go get some rest before I start mugging for econs again. UGH.

When I finally muster up the courage to let things go, you start trying. Explicitly put- playing with my little head. Honestly, you puzzle me. One moment you act all so friendly and the next you act icy cold. What exactly are you tring to do- Striving for some balance?? Sigh.

No Promises
Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love. Every time you're near I feel like I'm in heaven, feeling high
I don't want to let go, girl. I just need you to know girl.
I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
Here tonight
Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love. Everytime you're near I feel like I'm in heaven, feeling high
I don't want to let go, girl. I just need you you to know girl.
I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
I don't want to run away, I want to stay forever, thru Time and Time..
No promises
I don't wanna run away, I don't wanna be alone
No Promises
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, now and forever my love
No promises
I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
Here tonight.

For some reason or another I just love this song! Been hearing it everyday.

Idealism and realism are at two ends of the spectrum right? Then why do I feel as if they are side by side. Im falling into one or the other. Im forced to be realistic, yet at times I find myself being realistic out of my own accord. Its the circumstances I guess. But whatever it is I hate being realistic. I want to dream. Live life without without a care or worry. Alas, that's not how things work. I had better get started on my econs before I get too carried away. Sigh. Reality.

Quit messing with my brain. Stop trying to make me remember the past cause I dont want to.