Who do you live for?

Up and down the street poured the Saturday afternoon crowd; mothers bent on finding perfect autumn overcoats, men in greasy tweed hats, bored suburban girls bringing £9.99 bargains to show off to friends. From here I could hear the familiar queasy mix of at least three buskers; that interminable "Annie's Song" on flute, I thought, and the man with the African drums, and a brass band. I watched the ground; the reddish bricks disappeared and reappeared as the feet and coats rushed over them.

Minnie would definitely get a ticket now. I realized that I didn't care if she got three tickets and was towed away. The sound of the flute lifted for a bar or two above the clang of the brass band, and I was happy. Perversely, incredulously, momentarily happy.

When it was gone and the wave had dropped my feet down hard against the pavement, the crowd looked different to me. The shoppers were no more likable, but they did have faces. It came into my head that everyone on this street had either gone through a loss more or less equivalent to mine, or would do so by the end of their life. Some would have it easier, some worse, some over and over.

Imagine if a giant hand in the sky gestured us to stop, this minute, figures frozen halfway through a stride or a sentence, all along Grafton Street. If the hand gestured for us to tell what was really preoccupying us, then death would be on every second mouth: "My mam's gone for more tests," one would admit, and the next, "Well my uncle and my teacher went last year," and another, "Our first was stillborn," and another, "I've a feeling this Christmas might be my last." I wanted to make everyone sit down on the sun-warmed pavement, arranging their bags and bundles round them, and turn to their neighbour to talk of this huge headline hanging over us. Who have you lost to death, they would ask each other, who are you afraid of losing, who were you glad to see taken, and when do you think death might come for you? The brass band should be playing a triumphant funeral march, and the sun should be making skeleton shadows of our bodies on the gaps of pavement between the groups. The signs behind the polished glass fronts should say, "How many shopping days left?" It made no sense to be talking about anything else. And why did we pretend to be strangers when we were all webbed together by the people we had lost and the short future we had in common?

Through the crowd I saw a girl running down the street. Only the back of her; all I could make out was a rusty head of hair, catching the light whenever she emerged from a building's shadow. Probably running for a bus, or twenty-five minutes late to meet a friend at Bewley's. She had almost disappeared into the wide mouth of the crowd; I saw something moving but wasn't sure if it was her. My eyes let her slip.

The crowd was swirling, no longer frozen in my vision. It was Saturday afternoon, and there were coats to be tried on and teacups to drain.

Hood
Emma Donoghue

Please don't make me go

The little girl did not want to go to sleep in a neighbour's house unless the bedroom door was left open."Why, you're not afraid of the dark- a big girl like you?" the neighbour teased.
"Yes, I am," the little girl cried.
"But you're not afraid of the dark at your house."
"I know,"answered the girl, "but that's my dark."
-anonymous story-

I may loathe it at times. And more often than not, it consumes me. But it's what I'm used to.
And when all fails, I still have my dark to run back to.

You can be my everyday

Everything's beautiful. The sky's a rich shade of blue and my hair's dancing in the breeze. I'm smiling. I'm grateful for yesterday, for today and I will be grateful for tomorrow. Pity I'm detached from it all.
I'm at a loss love.

All that you can't leave behind.

I like being in love with you.
sigh.

Unopened letters to the World

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
dear penpal, how are you? hope you are fine. Anyway how's school?did you get your test marks back yet?well, there's nothing much to say. Did you know i went to my friends place at bukit timah? Her mother fetched us in a station wagon and then she drove us to Han's for lunch. Do you know she gave my friend a $50 note and asked her to have lunch?

thuls says:
HAHAH OMG I WROTE THIS????

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
We had lunch(just the 4 of us)(meaning me, Jia qian, Gurveen and Liying).Then we drove to her house. I nearly fainted when I saw her house, it was beautiful. So, what's new?

thuls says:
omg i did

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
Are you having any stress? I'm very scared about the BCG and the PSLE. Does your teacher want you to go to remedials. oops i forgot to ask you how your prefect job getting along. Good i suppose! does it affect your studies? well let me tell you a story(sort of)

thuls says:
OMG STOP!

thuls says:
hahahahahahahahahah

thuls says:
i feel like digging a hole and burying myself!


a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
One day my teacher was going to her friend's house which was on the 21st story. She pressed the "door close" but a boy of 21 or in his twenties slipped through. He did not know what button to press and press 19 and he kept looking at her. She felt very uncomfortable. She was pregnant with her first child, jacqueline. But her stomach was not big at all. Then..

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
call me to find out the rest!

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
OMG CLASSIC!TELL ME STORY HALFWAY AND SAY CALL ME TO FIND OUT THE REST

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
scared i never call you is it?

thuls says:
HAHAHAH

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
HAHHAHAHAHA
LOSER

thuls says:
I DONT REMEMBER EH

thuls says:
ASS!

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
YEA DAMMIT

thuls says:
-_-

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
now i wanna know the damn story!!!

thuls says:
but i cant remember it myself!

thuls says:
=(

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
so sad. I was cleaning my whole room today. All the drawers everything and i found this. I wanted to die laughing

thuls says:
HAHAHA

thuls says:
i can just imagine! =/

a dark silhouette against a bright background says:
wah then i read the last part i was like omg THUTS WAS IRRITATING EVEN THEN. HAHAHAHAHAH

Between order and randomness

Sometimes you feel euphoric. Everything is sublime and has an aura, and suddenly you are intensely nauseated and then you are gone.
- The Time Traveler's Wife-

You have dug your own grave, now lie in it.

Don't. You'll ruin it.

Ruin what?

This. Us.

Don't you want to know?

No.

Why not?

I don't know.

You're afraid.

No. I'm not.

You are.

What's there to be afraid of love?
There's no way back.

It's alright ma (I'm only bleeding)

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat.
'We're all mad here.
I'm mad. You're mad.'

-Alice in Wonderland-

Take me back to the start

I'm waiting for that sickening thud at the end of all of this. And hopefully that jolts me back to reality.
gah. I hate school.

You stop to wonder why you're here not there

It was familiar. That's as far as it goes. sigh.

I like long hair. I like men. Together, bone-shudderingly wrong.
-The chocolate run-
Took that right out of my mouth! (:

What do you go home to?

You would think with every goodbye said, saying goodbye would come almost naturally. Far from it. I loathe you for not being able to say goodbye when you should have. I'm not going to make the same mistake. This feels surreal. And part of me feels like things would be back to normal tomorrow. Like they always do. But I guess enough is enough.
Dear God, give me the strength to get through this. My heart feels like it is going to break. My eyes are sore and I feel like caving in.
Goodbye my friend. I'll miss you.

The search for something more

There we go again.
SIGH.

Nothing left but to say goodbye

This too shall pass. =(

It gets the worst at night

The things that matter, we forget and those that don't, we remember all so well. Funny ain't it?
I hate having stomach cramps. The cramps are getting a hell lot more bearable. I no longer have to writher on my bed like a spastic snake. But they're still pretty much there so bummer for me.
Friday with the kids:
We spent a good 15 minutes deciding who farted cause the room really stank. seriously. ugh. Productive class time don't you think!
The kids are amazing at remembering things. Maybe I should have kept that in mind when I screamed fuck after slamming my knee into the wooden table. The whole bunch of them started chanting that after me! And that was when it was almost time for them to go home!!! Imagine what would have happened if their parents had walked in on them chanting fuck! *shudders* There goes my job man. Actually on second thought, that doesn't sound too bad an idea does it now?
And yes it gets the worst at night. =(
I love lazy Saturday afternoons. When you're dead bored, you end up blogging about boring, random stuff. gah. I AM boring.

Can't stop this thing we have started

I miss work already. Gah.

I'm part of you indefinitely.

The places that you have come to fear the most



I have a jelly belly.
:(

The Leavers Dance

When someone is in your heart, they're never really truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.
-For One More Day-

Tell me about it.

Running to stand still

I know it's not perfect, but it's life. Life is messy sometimes.
-Grey's Anatomy-

Messy is an understatement isn't it?

Some you give away

How do you know when irrational exuberance has unduly escalated the practical, *yawn* boring side?
I like how everyone assumes that I am governed by my whims. And to make things clear, I am not running away this time. I am merely doing what I feel I should be doing. I have thought about the consequences and I acknowledge them. So I guess that's that.

My way home is through you

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou-

Uh-huh