It's weird how things turn out. What you expect never happens and what you were positive will NEVER EVER EVER happen, happens. I had nothing to lose and I secretly thought I had nothing to gain as well.Boy, wasn't I wrong! I am just glad I did what I did. I have never been happier.

I hate routines! And I am finding it difficult trying to fall into this one. I like order and all but I am finding this is a bit too much. School was supposed to be somewhat a routine but strangely I didn't feel that way at all. Things were fine the first few weeks but now I am in need of a change. A desperate change. I mean my job's pretty cool and stuff but I guess there's just so much more I want and need to see.
I forgive and forget too easily? I don't know about the forgiving part but I don't think I forget that easily. I haven't forgotten any particularly significant incident. I don't forget. I just don't talk about it. I don't see the need to.

I'm the biggest worrywart ever. Those sleepless nights are here to stay.

Why do I get so upset over stupid and yes even insignificant things? Honestly, I don't care who you're going out with or who you're attached to. I think im just a little upset over the fact that you lied. But im way upset over something else. And I you know damn well what it is. Sigh. Im way over it now.
Every time, I think of the damn A level results, I get this really nauseous feeling. Sigh. I don't want to retake the A's again. I will just die! I think it's the cruelest form of torture ever. Please God, have some mercy!

It's all about taking chances huh? What happens if you are wrong? Or better still, how would you ever know if you are right?
Im dead bored.

Its no game but its starting to sound like one.

I love my job! Everyday's a surprise- from the brilliantly engineered lies as to who punched who to the random hugs and kisses. I actually feel loved by total strangers. It's an amazing feeling. I love being around them. They aren't pretentious; they don't judge you and they love you for who you are. Of course there are the downsides to the job as well. It pains me to see the autistic kids struggle. Half the time I feel like running over to hug them, assure them that things are going be okay. The sad truth- life will always be more of a struggle for them than it is for us.

I love you.

Im gonna play safe and keep my distance. Why get my little head all muddled up yet again? I dont need this and neither do you. So its settled! Besties we shall not be!

2007. Finally. A whole new beginning. No more lugging around emotional baggage- kicked it all right out of the door. No more hanging onto friends who dont give a shit about me. No more feeing sorry for myself. No more hiding behind lies made up by yours truly.
No more pretending or rather trying to pretend im someone else- someone with a nice picture perfect life.
Ahh.. Im liking the new year already. I feel so much lighter and so much happier!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This too will pass, wont it?

It sure does not feel like Christmas!

I hate family politics. Call yourselves family when everybody's constantly bitching about the other?! Ha! I want no part of this. Leave me out. Im pretty contented being by myself.

Far from perfect
I read through all my diaries, journals or whatever I used to call them. I had names for EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. Geesh. But im not going to reveal any of them! Not in a million years. These are the kind of things you take to the grave with you! I honestly cannot believe some of the things I wrote. Ugh. Childish would be an understatement!
But despite my dorky behavior and desperate need to get a life, I realised how much of a perfectionist I was, even right back in primary two! Like how crazy is that? For as long as I could remember, I have always wanted to be perfect. But I never got close. I always thought that there was something wrong with me. It took me some time to realise that no one is perfect and that perhaps I should give myself a break. I did. But I kinda liked the way I was back then. As weird as it may sound, I felt in control when I was on the road to being perfect.

My cousin's dog has a criminal record! I have always thought that the dog was short, fat and ugly but it didn't exactly fit the bill of a criminal. Anyhow, the noisy thing has a criminal record and that too for biting someone at the hawker centre. How unglamorous!

I guess I was wrong about you. Geesh. I feel so bad now. I don't understand one thing though. Why did you wait for almost two years to bare your heart? Why did you say all those nasty things then? To hurt me or to hurt yourself? Honestly, I have always thought the world of you. Always. But time and time again, you had to say or do something stupid. What am I supposed to think then huh? Sigh.
I know how you feel. You didn't even have to tell me. I just wished you didn't have to say it out loud. Im helpless. I really am.

This is not how I envisioned the after A's to be like- sitting at home and rotting. I would be at work now if not for that bloody medical report. Aargh!

I cleaned my room today. Again. For the umpteen time. I think I have an obsession with cleaning! I found misplaced clothes, misplaced magazines, misplaced accessories and even misplaced memories. Its funny how you never actually realise something until its much too late. There were things I wanted to do, things I had to say but I never really got down to doing it. Perhaps it was procrastination; perhaps it was because I lacked the courage, maybe even because I was embarrassed.

11 days to Christmas and 18 days to the New Year!!

My Story
She laid in bed, staring at the blank ceiling. A sudden flicker of light at the window prompted her to look furtively around the clustered room. She felt like a stranger. Even in her own room. The magnified silhouettes of her possessions looked foreign to her. She turned away from the light. She was afraid of it. It illuminated the dark room, illuminated her vulnerability.

A surge of emotions went through her. Remorse, fear, anger. She felt it all, not at all spared. It had become a nightly ritual. Almost like the bedtime story her mother used to tell her when she was younger. She missed the innocence; she missed looking in awe at her mother.

This was different. She despised the feeling. She squeezed her eyes shut as a tear rolled down the side of her perfectly chiseled nose. Perfect was something she was not. What was she doing? What did she want? She clamped her jaw tight as she felt the blood drain from her face. She didn't know. She didn't know.

I dont intend to be mean. It just happens. No. Always happens. I feel really bad about it. Yet, I do nothing. I dont even understand why I behave this way. There's only one possibility- Im fucked up.

I miss school. Badly.


Im sorry. I really am.

Maybe. Just maybe.

I have this overwhelming urge to cut my hair into a short, chic bob. But I know im going to regret it. So im going to keep a good 50m distance between me and any salon. No more impulsive haircuts for me!


But still I miss you..

Best Friends

For the first time in a very long time, I felt really wanted yesterday. I dont usually share my feelings with my sister and neither does she. Our conversations are usually constrained to that cute blouse at Dorothy Perkins or how hot Wentworth Miller is (I swear I can look at his eyes for ever and ever). We hardly delve into the personal. And for the first time, she actually messaged me to tell me about this test she flunked. Seemingly insignificant but it meant a lot.

I desperately need to get a job! My finances are running dangerously low. I wont rest in peace until I find one!


The sparkle's fading. Sadly.